My dear old friend,
You were pretty quiet for awhile. I was really hoping you got tired from all the times we spent together in the bathroom muffling my tears. The days where my hands would shake until you had your way. You used to loom when I had to walk or stand alone. I do so many things wrong in a day and you’re always there to remind me. You’re there when I order my meals, when I talk to new people, when I see someone texting me. Every time I see someone, you remind me what I did to embarrass myself with them “that one time”. I apologize constantly because you’ve trained me to do so. I thought I conquered you for a second, I really did, but you came over this month around one am when I crawled into my bed and I thought about how many people were hurt by something I wrote, by something I was proud of. You came back when I tried to explain myself over and over again. And now you’re here, and I’m struggling. I take everything so personally, you make me feel like everyone is against me, I get lightheaded in large rooms. My body buzzes when I hear things crash together. But how are you doing? I know for a bit there you weren’t really thriving, how did it feel to not have control for once? Because for me, it felt great. For me, I was glowing.
Old friend, do you remember walking to my first day of classes here? I wanted to call my mom but I also wanted to handle this by myself. Do you remember rush? I was shaking so bad, you kept reminding me of everything I said that was wrong, that they all hated me. How about the days where I couldn’t get out of bed?
I want you to know this is a confrontational letter. This is me finally fighting back. I used to be good for months and then let you take the lead. I was okay with that process, I thought it was normal. But I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want the muffled tears or the shakes. The apologies that don’t need to be stated, the constant reminders of how pathetic you make me feel. The weight of walking with you. I want to be done.
I’m trying the coping mechanisms, the counting, using all five of my senses five times. But it’s just time I actually take care of myself. I don’t know where that starts but I know loosing you or at least controlling you, has to be part of it.
Sincerely, someone who is trying to leave you.