I Never Saw Myself Here in my Twenties

Dear twenty-somethings, 

As much as I would like to believe that most of you knew exactly what you wanted, and were able to get it, I know there are more of you like me than first meets the eye; those of us who did not picture ourselves here in our twenties, and still seem to be making things up as we go along. Growing up, life was filled with change. I moved around a lot because my dad didn’t start school until I was around 10 years old. Therefore, I learned how to make new friends quickly and didn’t get too attached to any place or person, because I knew it was only temporary. 

To be frank, the only constant things in my life were my family and my religion, but once I graduated high school early and moved with my family once again, things changed that I never expected. Out of what seemed like nowhere I was watching my family fall apart, and suddenly my sense of stability, that resided in a family that was supposed to be together forever, was gone. My life became a slow-motion train wreck that I couldn’t control. Assisting my mother and siblings through the process, I put off my own goals in order to help all of us find a new sense of reality. After working full-time for two years I took a leap of faith, and finally applied to college, knowing very well that I would have to come up with the finances on my own. These expriences may be different than some of you twenty-somethings, but we all have our own stories of how we ended up where we are, and how these places we ended up were not what we forsaw for ourselves.

Not only was I now trying to figure out the University side of adult life, and get involved where I could, things at home continued to decline. Thus steering me down a path that was even further from my original goals. Ever since I can remember I wanted to serve a mission for my church, but many recent events have left me with beliefs that are far removed from what I was raised to respect. The combination of family trauma and drastic spiritual understanding has left me stranded on an island I like to call "Identity Crisis." Although I have hope, and am positive that I will make it off the island, that doesn’t mean I don’t get thirsty, curious or sad from time to time. 

 It seems like I am barely starting to figure out how to establish a new reality, while my friends are living out their childhood ambitions- what seems like effortlessly. Although you shouldn’t, I understand how it can be hard not to compare your life to others. It may seem like everyone else has things figured out while you are drowning, but I promise you, you are not alone. Like my grandma always says when quoting “The Three Amigos,” everyone has their El Guapo, or their challenge in life, and comparing yours to what you assume is someone else’s, as better or worse, will only bring you grief. 

None of the things I viewed as reality are the same anymore, and pretty much my only goal that stayed the same was to be a good person. Heck, when I was a kid I was sure I would be a singer and an actress, yet here I am weighing my odds at getting into law school and what the best path for undergrad will be to get there. The truth is, I know I am independent and want to be successfully self-made, but I have no idea what I am truly passionate about, or where I will be in a year (let alone five), and I am single AF and PROUD because I decided, based on what I watched my parents go through, not to settle. None of the things I imagined came true, but I am infinitely running circles around what I assumed would be my happily ever after, and you can too.

Sincerely, 

M