Recovery is a term I hear a lot lately. What recovery looks like, what it feels like, when it will happen are discussed almost daily now. I do want to heal from my eating disorder, but I’m scared. Scared of what my body will look like, what others will think of me, and how I will live my life after I’m free from the mental weight of my anorexia.
Eating disorders never go away completely, however, they are supposed to get manageable with time, support, and willingness. I haven’t learned all that much yet, but I wanted to share what I have learned; maybe it will benefit someone else struggling the way I was a few months ago.
In December 2020, I was formally diagnosed with anorexia. I remember my therapist saying the words to me and instantly panicking. I was so scared about what was going to happen. I kept thinking, what is my mom going to say? What is life going to be like now? What’s next? These are questions some of you may be asking yourself right now. But I hadn’t realized the worst part, asking for help, was over with and done. Reaching out to someone and taking the initiative for my health was the most challenging. Admitting I had a problem to myself and others was what scared me the most. I never realized how much of a problem my eating disorder was until I started my recovery. Eating disorders take control of your mind and body; They do horrible things to you; They control your whole life.
In therapy, we call our eating disorder a voice in our head. Our “eating disorder voice” is louder than our “healthy voice” when we are at the peak of our illness. I let my eating disorder control all my decisions. What I ate, where I went, who I socialized with was consumed by my anorexia. It is exhausting. But you have to let your “healthy voice” take over the “eating disorder voice.” A technique easier said than done.
I have been in recovery for almost two months, and this still isn’t any easier. I have had this disorder for years, too many years, and changing my ways seemed taboo. Having food freedom is my dream, but I am scared I won’t get there. And I am sure many others can relate.
The thought of gaining weight and having my body change is almost paralyzing to me. Growing up, I was 220 pounds and extremely self-conscious. I believe this is what ignited my disorder. I have had an obsession with being “skinny” for so many years that it damaged my self-worth.
I grew up with the impression only thin girls were worthy, but I was so wrong it’s sad. The only body types I saw on TV and online were small ones. My doctors told me I was obese when I was just 12. That should not have been my reality at such a young age.
Society creates eating disorders, something that needs to end. We need to let young girls be happy and learn to accept themselves. After all, counting calories in middle school is not only dangerous but harmful.
I am used to eating the least amount of food I possibly can, something I have done for years. Changing that is the ultimate challenge. But I am doing it. While I still hear my “eating disorder voice” often, I force myself to eat and nourish my body. You have to. Nourishment is so important. For me, setting up times where I eat is a must. This trick might help you too.
Since my hunger cues are pretty damaged from my eating disorder, it is harder to tell when I need to eat. Setting up times when to have your meals and snacks is a game-changer. When noon strikes the clock, I know I have to stop what I am doing and eat lunch. Eating at specific times was hard at first, but over time, it will train my body to send my brain hunger cues again. Recovery is all in the baby steps. My therapist and nutritionist always tell me recovery is not linear. Meaning, you will have your ups and downs. Food freedom and happiness are not a straight shot but a goal in progress.
I have the luck of having a strong support system and an amazing team of doctors by my side through this journey. It was hard to get all the moving pieces in place, but it is working for me. There are going to be doctors, friends, family, all kinds of people who discourage you. It’s happened to me countless times. But, keep moving forward. Keep recovering. You have to do it for yourself. You have to want to get better, and that part scares me the most.
I’m scared of what the future holds, but I am nourishing my body and taking it one step at a time. I am by no means recovered. But I am trying to get to a place where I can be content with food and not treat it like the enemy anymore. It is all on my time, under my terms. Recovery is a choice. And I am happy I have made a step towards it.
If you are struggling right now and need help urgently, contact the eating disorder helpline below:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline