They say college is a time for personal growth, a time to figure yourself out, and a period of constant change. It’s now been just over one year, and I couldn’t agree more with that statement. I’m not the girl I once was; I’ve changed for the better, and to be quite honest I’m more than happy and perfectly okay with who I’ve become. It’s kind of scary how much can change within a year, yet here I am, with completely new perspectives on life, friendship, and my own morals.
First, I’ve realized that at the end of the day, I need to do what’s best for me. My happiness, and my overall mentality should not be compromised by someone else’s wishes and desires. I am in control of my emotions, my feelings, and how I perceive certain situations. I will no longer put up with somebody who continuously tears me down for the sake of trying to fit in and having a friend. It’s incredibly important to understand what you value in a relationship, both with friends and significant others. In realizing what I seek; loyalty, honesty, dependability, and someone who radiates constant positivity; I began to reflect on my own personal attachments that I had made within the past years that don’t quite line-up with these morals. I’m someone who forgives way too easily and this has caused me emotional pain and hardship in some friendships. I’ve noticed that while I don’t forget the situations that occurred between me and the other person, I tend to push it to the side and give them another chance. Doing so creates another chance to try and prove to myself that they’re good for me – that they’re the kind of people I should be surrounding myself with. However, over the last couple of months I’ve started to change my mindset by reflecting on connections and teaching myself the importance of putting myself in an environment that will only lift up my spirits and make me the best version of myself that I can be. While recognizing this, I kept going back and forth with my decision on whether or not to cut certain people out of my life, to stop talking to them entirely or to take a break, and how to go about strengthening the relationships that continuously make me smile from ear to ear.
Is it worth sacrificing my own happiness for the couple of times filled with joy and laughter? The answer is no, no it is absolutely not worth it. Sure, every relationship will have their fights; but when it comes to crying in your room to your roommate and next door neighbors about 3-4 times a week, it’s time to let that relationship go – at least for a little bit. I’m a firm believer in that there’s a time and a place for everything, for everyone. It’s true that people come and go and maybe the right time and place for that relationship to start back up again will be found after a period of growth for both sides.
Behind the happy-go-lucky, enthusiastic face that I wore last year, I was struggling both mentally and physically. After the first semester, I realized that something was missing; I felt alone and isolated due to missing clear warning signs in particular friendships and situations. Going back for second semester, I thought things would be fixed and that having that break would change things. Unfortunately, what I had felt at the end of first semester only came back stronger. I started to notice what others had been pointing out to me, and it made me realize that those connections that I made at the beginning of the school year didn’t necessarily have to be my only connections. I realized that if I had to change myself in order to fit a certain standard, or to prove a point, or to keep certain friends around, if I had to be somebody who I’m not in order to continue the friendship, then I was not only being fake but failing to show who I really was; both of which are completely unfair to myself and them. Changing myself to merely fit in goes against my morals and is just absurd. I realized how important it is to stay true to who you are and to be grounded in your roots, not someone else’s.
Breathing in toxins isn’t healthy for your system so why would letting negative people into your life be any better? Oh wait, it’s not; it’s just as toxic to your overall well-being. It took months for me to come to this realization, but when I did it was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I had a say in who I was friends with, I had a say in who I let control me and my actions, I had a say in who I let in my life. I am capable of speaking up for myself and realizing that what I thought was okay and right, isn’t. I am capable of controlling my environment, and shifting it to hopefully create happier experiences.
The second thing I focused on a lot was paying attention to my own advice. When I give advice to my friends, I start questioning how legitimate everything I’m saying is if I can’t even do it myself. I’m one of those people that doesn’t sugarcoat anything and will tell it to you straight if it means getting the full message and honest truth across. In giving my opinion to my friends, I tend to lay it all out on the line so that what needs to be said and heard is said and heard. Yet, in most cases, I have dealt with the same issues that they have and failed to listen to myself in times of need. How will the information I’m telling them be of any use if I don’t believe in it myself? Is it even worth saying it if I didn’t fall back on it when I needed to hear it most? I started to realize that to be able to feed them these positive messages, encouraging them and telling them that I’ll stand by them no matter what, that I had to start encouraging myself and telling myself that I’ll stand by myself whenever something happens – that I’ll be the first person to turn to when times get tough, that I’ll take care of myself and never let go. When someone confides me in I often check back in with them later, yet I’ve noticed that I usually fail to check back in with myself and ask myself how I’m doing, how I’ve been feeling. Not questioning my own emotional state and carrying on as if everything’s okay tends to lead to an outburst later on.
This is where the third lesson that I’ve learned comes into play.
I found myself in a really bad state at the end of second semester of freshman year and into the beginning of the summer. I ignored it and bottled up my feelings – which I can now see was a HUGE mistake. Towards the end of the summer, things got way out of hand; I was incapable of controlling my thoughts, which led to really bad breakdowns in the most random of times. I decided it’d be best to start talking to someone to try and figure out why I was feeling the way I was and to try and come up with methods of coping and destressing. I admit the first meeting was very awkward and I felt really weird going in and just listing off reasons behind my sadness to some total stranger. However, when our meeting time was up, I felt so much relief and was so happy that I pushed myself to go. I found myself talking about things I didn’t necessarily think I would, and I think that’s the power of seeking outside help; you start to analyze every aspect of your emotional well-being and what parts contribute to specific feelings; you gain a sense of power and control over the negativity. Being able to talk about my feelings in a safe, welcoming, judgment free zone is one of the best things I’ve ever started doing. Mental health is so incredibly important and there needs to be more of a respect and genuine care for those suffering – both those showing it and hiding it. I think that reaching out for a helping hand when in need is the best thing you can do for yourself and I admire those who have, and those beginning to do so. People often believe that it’s a sign of weakness when needing to take that step, but it’s actually quite the opposite. As a whole, we need to break the stigma surrounding mental health and encourage people to go and talk to someone; it really proves just how strong one is when they do so.
So yes, a lot can happen in a year. A lot of change, speculation and reflection. I’m still figuring myself out but I’m pretty proud of the changes that I’ve made in terms of recognizing what’s best for me, how to respect myself and love myself for who I am, and how to normalize seeking help when needed most. I think, and I hope, that I’m not done and that these changes are only making me a better me.