On the morning of May 2nd, 2019, I could not get out of bed. I tried multiple times, but I felt like so many weights and burdens were completely holding me down. I have always struggled with depression. I have always had a hard time getting out of bed. But for some reason, this morning was different. There were so many more weights. There was so much more fear. What would happen if I did get out of bed today? That very question kept me completely still, silent tears streaming down my face.
That morning, I was supposed to go to the beach with my friends and celebrate classes being over. Instead of going to the beach with them, I stayed in bed and convinced myself they did not want me there with them. Of course, that wasn’t true, but it is what I told myself. I was so emotional that, for hours, I just laid in bed and let sadness and burdens crush me. I was hurting. And I felt like I could not control anything that was happening. I just had to lay there and let myself feel it.
Later that morning, my roommate somehow picked up that something was not right. Through text, she was trying to get me to come out of my room and talk to her. I wouldn’t. I kept telling her I was fine. I already felt like a burden, and I didn’t want to continue to burden anyone else. Nobody would understand how I felt and how I’d been struggling with my emotions for months. I blew off most of my friends, and I was going to do the same with her.
“We are more than roommates,” my friend texted. “Please talk to me.”
It was from that I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. I needed to speak up no matter the outcome.
With a red face, swollen eyes, and tears still streaming, I left my room. I finally opened up to my roommate about how I’ve been feeling and how alone I felt. To my surprise, she didn’t judge me. She didn’t make fun of me or call me crazy like I feared. Instead, she truly listened to me and reminded me of three things that I still tell myself to this day.
I am seen.
I am heard.
I am valued.
This conversation gave me the strength to fight the battle for that day. I ended up putting on a nice outfit and putting on a little makeup. We took a few pictures and I felt better. I felt a sense of accomplishment that I got out of bed and even opened up to someone. It’s the small moments to appreciate, which is what I focused on that day. It was my first step to seeking help.
To those who are facing a mental battle that cannot be controlled, you are not alone.
You are seen.
You are heard.
You are valued.
And to those who have a friend, a roommate, a loved one, and you feel that there is something wrong, that they are struggling. Don’t be afraid to interfere. Don’t be afraid to reach out and tell them so they know.
They are seen.
They are heard.
They are valued.
I still have days where it is hard, but I have realized that’s not the time to isolate myself. Instead, it’s the time to get out of bed, put on some extra makeup if that makes you feel better, or even treat yourself to a coffee. It’s time to reach out to a friend and tell someone you love them. You’ll discover that they really love you, too.
Because it’s Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share this part of my story. It was such a dark point in my life, and I used to be ashamed of telling it. However, telling my story has given me a voice and a chance to help someone else. I encourage others to speak up because their stories matter. Your story matters.
So please know, we don’t have to be silent.
We are seen.
We are heard.
We are valued.