CONTENT WARNING: This article deals with a lot of heavy material and I want to make sure that everyone is aware of that before reading. This article will talk about homophobia, depression, OCD, anxiety, suicide, body issues, eating disorders and mental illness.
If you or someone you know is depressed and is considering suicide, please reach out. Call someone, text someone, talk to someone. The national suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255 or you can go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ for online help and resources.
This week has been weird for me. Four years ago, I tried to commit suicide. Every year since, I have taken time to sit down and assess who I was and who I have become in the time since.
Four years ago, I was a closeted kid with unacknowledged mental illness. My panic attacks were so bad I was having two or three a day, and I constantly felt crippling depression and anxiety. I was struggling. I had a support system of wonderful friends, but my mental illness made me blind to their support and their love. I felt lonely and isolated. I felt ashamed of my body and would make myself not eat for days in hopes of dropping five pounds. It was unhealthy and only led to a worsening of my body image and my mental health. I was overwhelming myself with AP classes and extracurricular activities on top of a job so that I would look good on college applications and so I could please my parents. I had to be perfect in every sense of the word. And when I wasn’t good enough and I had had enough, I tried to take my own life.
Now? Where am I? I like to think of every day past that day as my second life. I look and ask myself what have I done since then, who have I been in this life? Progress isn’t linear. I haven’t gone straight up to happiness and never fallen back down. I’m so proud to say that I’ve come out to everyone in my life since then. It has taken a huge burden off of my shoulders to be who I am and to not be afraid or ashamed or hide that from anyone. It’s amazing to be able to openly date whomever I want, regardless of their gender.
I also got diagnosed with mental illness. That actually felt SO GOOD. To know that there was a name to what was happening and to be one step closer to properly dealing with it felt amazing. I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder and general anxiety disorder. I take 80mg of Prozac every day, even four years later. I still practice everything that I’ve learned in therapy when I start to feel those physical symptoms of an anxiety or panic attack. But that doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel those feelings and have to work through them.
I still don’t love my body, but I’m being kinder to it. I try to eat every day, at least once a day, just to give my body a little bit of nourishment and support.
I still struggle with perfectionism. I still want to be the best at everything while doing everything at once. But I’m getting better. A B no longer sends me into a week-long spiral like it used to. I try to do my best and understand that my best is good enough, even if it isn’t perfect.
Most importantly, what I think has changed the most is that I rely on my friends more. Whenever I’m in a depressive state and my friends ask how I am, I tell them. I let them know that things aren’t great and that they can help by just sharing a quick GIF or sending over an emoji. Being connected to my support system has made a huge difference in how I combat my mental illnesses and make sure that I never get to the place I was four years ago.
I’m living a second life now. I managed to graduate high school and I’m about to graduate from college. I survived then and I am surviving now.