Celexa, Abilify, Zoloft, Wellbutrin XL, Trazadone, Seroquel and Lexapro. These are all of the medications that I’ve been taking for my depression and anxiety. I have been on at least one for about three years – except for a period of time when I kept forgetting to take it and just stopped altogether without even realizing it. I thought nothing of it at the time because I felt fine. Or dare I say it, but I felt better than ever.
Over time, I kept living my life, not feeling as mentally low as I did when I first needed medication. I kept thinking that this was better and how my life should be – not having to depend on pills. It did get better in some ways. But in some ways, it didn’t.
I recently went back on Zoloft because of my increased anxiety. Before that, I had a stint with Lexapro after being off of medications for months. Being back on any sort of medication made me remember how bad the side effects can be. With Lexapro, I remember I would fall asleep for about 12 hours at a time, which was no good for me. I experienced a wide range of side effects from my medication. Some affected my appetite and made me not feel hungry at all, while others did the opposite. Some lessened my depression but heightened my anxiety. These side effects made me go off of Lexapro and without medication again. When I restarted my medications, I dreaded the side effects, even though I was fully aware that I needed them for my mental stability.
In a way, you have to plan your life around medications. With Zoloft, I have to be aware of many factors before I can even swallow one pill. I have to take it with food, or it feels like my stomach is ripping apart. But I have to take it at night because Zoloft can make users feel drowsy. If I miss a pill one day because I was tired, didn’t eat before bed or any other reason, I risk going through withdrawal symptoms and feel like I’m dying. My life is not consistent enough to help me sustain a routine without going the extra mile. I don’t forget to eat late at night often, but when I do, I always have to force myself to throw up the pill I swallowed because I’m in so much pain that I can’t sleep. I’m currently trying to take Zoloft in the middle of the day, but I’m fearful of falling asleep in class. I feel even more trapped by the thought of it. I just hate the feeling of having my life dictated by a tiny pill. However, I know I need to suck it up if I want to feel better.
As I restart my medications, I’m afraid that I will be a different person again because of how much it affects my mind. There were times that I felt a fog in my head when I was on the medication, and I didn’t feel like myself. Whenever an emotional event happened, I wished I wasn’t on medications so that I could feel normal. This altered state of mind, though, is necessary so that I am not afflicted with whatever mental illness that I may have.
Something that many people don’t realize about taking antidepressants and other similar mental health medications is that they aren’t instant drugs that start working right away. It takes about six to eight weeks for the medicine to actually take effect. I started back on medication because I have been feeling higher levels of anxiety, but I knew I would continue to suffer until it started working. I built the fortitude necessary to endure this, but I have known others who’ve quit when they didn’t feel better. Even though I can endure it, I am scared of what will happen next.
I know I can have a healthy relationship with my medications. I want to get better and have less anxiety, but I have to be comfortable with the idea of medications. If I have to go through hardship just so I can feel mentally healthy, then I will do so. My past experiences with medication have equipped me to handle it so that I can make myself better.