As a young female adult who’s dealt with several failed relationships (both romantic and platonic), I can say with full confidence that the best relationship I’ve ever been in is the one I built with myself. Learning to love yourself and become your own best friend guarantees there will always be at least one person to count on: the one reading this.
Self-love is, by far, the most important aspect of our developing minds, despite its complexity. It comes from years of experiencing and understanding who you truly are on your own and separating that version of you from the “you” that you become with others.
As we grow up and develop relationships with others, we often lose ourselves in becoming who we think others want us to be, all to reach the goal of finding companionship and being loved. Whether this loss happens through romantic journeys or the whirlwind of finding the perfect friend group, we tend to lose pieces of ourselves when we indulge in trying to satisfy others.
In terms of intimate relationships, I’ve—like many others—talked to quite a few guys with the laser-sharp goal of someday finding the one. In terms of friendship, I’ve done it all. Built-in best friends, healthy life-long friends and even some toxic ones. Through each of these journeys and in these memories, I’ve always known one thing for sure. We all want to find our people.Â
What I didn’t know was by continuously attempting to fabricate new connections and looking for the best relationship out there, I was actually in the process of building the best one I’ll ever have.
One of the first girls I ever really connected with was one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. She had the ability to make the most ordinary words sound like edited comedic scripts from an SNL skit. Instantly drawn to her, she was the reason I discovered that having someone to laugh with in any situation is something I value. She went on to become my best friend, and it didn’t take me long to start gravitating towards more individuals with traits like hers. I began surrounding myself with people who show true compassion and empathy for others, while also being able to make the scary aspects of life seem a bit more lighthearted because of the beauty that they always manage to see in everything.Â
On the flip side, I’ve also gotten into some sticky situations with people who most certainly didn’t have my best interests at hand. I can’t say that I could always spot those people immediately, but what matters is that I eventually did. I was able to escape these relationships and realize the kind of negative environment that relationships that only seemed to tear me down created.
Like friendships, romantic relationships have come with their own treasure trove of lessons and experiences (even when the men themselves weren’t exactly a treasure!). My first boyfriend taught me how capable I was of handling the emotions of not only myself, but others. I learned how to sense when someone is feeling down, and I even learned how to notice when something feels off within myself. Despite coming to the realization that the relationship wasn’t necessarily fitting for what I was looking for, I learned a lot from it, even in its ending. It always felt like my body was rejecting the connection, like a mini internal alarm system telling me “no”. Why didn’t I feel those romantic feelings? How do I know if breaking ties is the right thing for me? How do I let him down in a respectful manner? Eventually, I reached the answer to each of those questions through self-introspection.Â
When something felt off in the connections I thought were suitable, I allowed myself to take time away for myself. I did things like meditation, trying new things by myself, listening to new artists and bringing myself back to the central space of a clear mind with the knowledge that I successfully took myself out of a place in which I did not belong.Â
To reach this clear mind, set aside a bare minimum of 5 to 10 minutes each day to listen to your internal voice and let thoughts and ideas flow into your mind as they come. By consistently listening to myself and what I believe to be true regarding my morals, personal beliefs and values, I know that I will serve myself right every time. There is no single person out there who knows me better than I know myself, and I find extreme serenity knowing that I am my own first person to count on when I need some sort of advice. Yes, I talk to my friends, siblings, parents and therapist when I need an outside perspective, but at the end of the day, I am the one making decisions for myself and I know best about what works for me and what doesn’t. This doesn’t mean that I am going to be 100% foolproof in the choices I make, as faltering is inevitable in everyone. It does mean that I’ll be the one to take full responsibility for the mistakes that I make. This reflection of myself is the result of all the people I’ve connected with and all the lessons that’ve come with them. It’s because of them that I have the best relationship I’ll ever have: Myself!Â