We’ve all been there. You want something, anything. They give you nothing. It’s a tale as old as time, yet we continue to grasp at it as if anything will ever change. Today, we call it the situationship and it devastates millions of women every day. Nowhere is this undefined, noncommittal relationship easier to find than on college campuses across America.
Broadly defined, a situationship is when you’re not nothing, but you’re also not something. It’s confusing, painful and almost always ends poorly. Yet women everyday find themselves in situationships, hoping it’ll turn into more. This hope helps cover up the fact that the man will almost never desire more and instead wants to keep you at arm’s length so he can continue to talk to other girls, play the field or get away with not giving you and your relationship the time and energy it deserves.
We can truly never really know why some men love to lead girls on for extended periods of time, resulting in months, even years long situationships. However, what we can address is how to recognize a situationship and tell if you’re in one. To do this, we’ll talk about some basic telltale signs of a situationship and talk to some girls on UF’s campus who have been in situationships themselves and can share their experiences.
Some people refer to the situationship as a friends-with-benefits scenario, but that implies that the situationship is merely a physical relationship when it is so much more. While situationships can include physical aspects, their hallmark is the tangled, messy feelings they consist of. Typically, one person wants a relationship while the other doesn’t want to commit to one. For some, the situationship is a great arrangement. Unfortunately, most people cannot maintain a close, intimate relationship with someone without having feelings for them in some way – and this is where the pain and hurt comes in.
Whether the other person is intentionally uninvested, or they simply are oblivious to the fact you feel that way about them, the result is the same – an ambiguous, unsatisfying mess. It seems sweet and inviting at first, then it morphs into something horribly devastating. At that point, you’re in too deep. You’ve caught feelings, you hope they’ll change and commit and pursue a real relationship with you. The feelings cloud your judgment, and you’re no longer able to think rationally and see the truth of the situation because you care so deeply. The biggest thing to take away is not to care less. Don’t let some stupid boy change the loving, amazing person you are. Not everyone deserves your time and energy, and at the end of the day that’s something we must learn through time. It hurts and it sucks, but it’s life. It all ends for the best, even when it feels like the world is ending.
Knowing when you’re in a situationship can be hard, but here are some signs that might help. The first telltale sign is if your guy is talking to other women or refuses to be exclusive. A person that wants to be with you should have no problem letting you know that, and telling you that you’re the only girl he’s interested in. Another sign is that they never initiate plans, or if they do, it’s the very last minute. Someone who is serious about you will make plans well in advance and will always make time to see you. Lack of consistency, constant excuses and no talk about your future together can also be sure-fire signs you’re in a situationship that’s going nowhere.
To close out this article, we’ll hear from some girls at UF about their experiences with situationships so far in college. For the sake of privacy, they’ll go by the names Brooke and Annie:
What was your experience being in a situationship like?
Brooke: “It was like a rollercoaster. It was not fun, and it took up so much time and energy that I didn’t put enough time into taking care of myself and my needs because I was spending so much time thinking about one person when I could’ve been doing so many other beneficial things.”
Annie: “It takes up so much mental energy. Sometimes, when I’m sitting there doing nothing, I just think about it, even though it’s pointless and upsets me and really interferes with so much in my life even though it’s not that deep.”
When did you first realize you were in a situationship?
Brooke: “When I realized I cared, and I was up on my phone when I should’ve been sleeping, talking to him or checking notifications to see if he texted me. It was when I cared when he was no longer just some random guy. It was when I realized I cared about what he was doing.”
Annie: “Personally, I’ve been in many situationships, and I think the hallmark for all of them is when you realize they’ve been on your mind for a significantly larger portion than they should be. And they’re different from talking stages because while a talking stage is a step, a situationship is just disappointing. With situationships, guys’ effort starts to fade, they put in less energy and then you hear about them being with other girls.”
How did it end?
Brooke: “He blocked me. He slowly started becoming less interested, and the more energy I invested and showed him, the more he pulled away.”
Annie: “Well, for each one, I just found someone new. The best way to get over a man is to simply move on to a new one.”
What do you want to say to other girls struggling with situationships of their own?
Brooke: “Don’t do it. It’s the worst thing I could have done for myself, but at the same time it’s not. It put me through hell, but at the same time I grew as a person. I don’t know how I grew, but I did. It just showed me I was capable of caring and at the end of it, it helped me realize that I don’t deserve to be treated like that. In hindsight, it was a waste of my time, but it was also something I grew from. It wasn’t all bad. I don’t hate the guy, but I also hate him. It’s all very contradictory and I just have mixed emotions. It’s hard to get over it, especially because I didn’t get the closure I desired after caring about someone for so long. Ultimately, you have so much more of your life to live, there are so many more people to meet and experiences to have, don’t let one guy ruin your perception of relationships.”
Annie: “If you’re upset or disappointed with something, don’t be afraid to voice it, and if your situation doesn’t improve, don’t be afraid to leave because you deserve better than a guy who doesn’t or won’t commit to you. When going into situationships or going into a relationship with a guy, there’s a difference between being smart and numbing your personality, but also keep it in the back of your mind it’s always okay to say goodbye and protect yourself because even if he seems like a good guy, you never really know until you’re in a serious committed relationship.”
At the end of the day, situationships can be messy, but in the current age of dating (especially with online dating and the use of Snapchat to talk) they seem to be unavoidable. Use this as a cautionary tale and be aware of the plague that is the college situationship. At the end of the day, just be yourself and the right people will stick around.