I made my last trip to UF this past weekend, moving away from Gainesville—my home for the past four years.
On March 11, President Fuchs requested students to return home until March 30. Classes were moved online, and UF did not want students on campus. Within days, my friends slowly went back home. Unlike all of my friends, I feared returning home. My parents are not young and have had health complications, putting them at risk for the coronavirus. I also was not ready to leave town and intended to stay as long as I could, especially since it’s my last semester before I graduate from UF and go to grad school.
I should mention that I was living in a dorm this semester, as I have every semester since freshman year. And I’ve lived in the same room in the same apartment at Keys Complex since my sophomore year, with my emotional support dog Banshee.
Keys was my home. It’s where I bonded with Banshee, hung out with friends and had the best experiences with my roommates. I grew attached to it. I knew I would have to say goodbye eventually, but I wasn’t expecting it for a few couple months. And I was not emotionally ready to do so anytime soon after the waves of announcements started.
When the updates started, anxiety flooded me. I feared that UF would kick students out of their dorms, especially after seeing what happened at Harvard. My close circle reassured me otherwise, especially with all of the backlash that happened to schools that kicked out their students. Despite this, the fear of being kicked out started my mental health decline.
I have anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. The anxiety of saying goodbye along with my ritualistic nature made for a bad combo. I was afraid I would have to leave without preparation, lose control and not be able to say goodbye when I felt ready. There was so much that I wanted to do, but the opportunity was slowly slipping away too.
I take pictures as a reminder. I capture food, bathrooms, places and more. I was going to do that slowly in my last months but had to figure out how to do it within a short amount of time. My mind felt consumed with questions on how I would visit each of these places. I wanted to see the sunset and sunrise in certain places like the stadium and century tower. On top of everything else, I had to attend online class, pack and figure out how I’m going to get everything home.
The anxiety of being on schedule started my deterioration. I started eating less, losing sleep and even stopped focusing in class. I had to ask my professor to take an exam later because I was not able to study. Thankfully, she said yes. Everything started becoming a blur. It hit the point where I realized that I wasn’t truly living and just rotting away.
I remember calling people, trying to figure out whether or not I should move out. I remember crying on the phone and saying that I wasn’t ready to leave. My loved ones’ worry and concern influenced my decision, especially when I told them about the rough time I was having. I hate when people worry about me. Hearing from them made me want to leave.
Thankfully, my friend who always drove me home for breaks and offered to drive me home for a couple weekends to help move stuff home. This alleviated much of my stress.
I was miserable and not really living. I felt awful because I wasn’t eating or being a good student. It was a constant drone of anxiety. I came to UF first and foremost to get a degree, and I want to do well in my last semester, especially since I’m hoping to earn my PhD. If I can’t function as a student, I would be wasting my time. This factor influenced my decision to leave.
But what really pushed my departure was the isolation. I hated being without my roommates. My apartment wasn’t the same without them. I am an extrovert, and I wasn’t thriving. If I came home to my mom, I would not feel alone, and she’d be at less risk than my father. This entire situation’s a blessing in disguise because I wanted to spend more time at home before I moved states for grad school.
The cherry on top was the refund from UF housing if I left before April 7. I could use the money, and there was no point in me paying for an apartment if I wasn’t getting the full experience. I’ve moved out, and it’s probably the best decision I have made in a while.
Leaving UF and Gainesville was bittersweet. I had to leave because my mental health is the most important. I associated the thought of leaving with negative emotions, making it sour for me. I wanted to leave while it was still good.
UF was the place where I truly became an adult. I gained independence. I realized my dream of becoming an engineer and eventually a professor, so I can help others. I found my best friend, Banshee, who truly saved my life at times. The culture, food and people of UF and Gainesville had such a profound impact on me. I don’t think I would be the person I am today if it wasn’t for that.
My anxiety prepared me to leave. Once I did all the stuff I felt anxious over, I was able to leave without fear. But it came at the cost of my deteriorating mental health. Leaving is helping me come to terms with my anxiety and OCD by realizing that these rituals will not change the memories that I have. It almost ended up corrupting them.
The Gainesville that I left was not the Gainesville I wanted to live in, and the same could be said about the UF campus. Coronavirus put it into a coma, and it was a sad sight to see. There was no culture, life or story to tell. It is on a hiatus. But that’s the price we must pay in times like this if we want to truly squash the coronavirus. I couldn’t bear to see it in that state anymore.
If I want to grow, I need to step outside of my comfort zone. My time at UF and Gainesville was coming to an end, because it already helped me as much as it could. The time had come for me to say goodbye to this chapter in my life. UF and Gainesville will always be there, and I will be sure to visit.
Now I’m back at my mom’s house, and I don’t regret leaving how I did. I’m eating properly again, and I’m starting to get back into the swing of classes. I finally feel alive again, and I’m excited for what’s to come.
Thank you for all that you’ve done for me, my former home. One day, I hope that I can give back to you what you have given to me.
Goodbye for now.
With love,
Sophia