Winter 2022-2023 was one of the hardest times in my entire life. I was nineteen years old, struggling to get out of the house, sleeping way too much, and waking up every afternoon with a sense of impending doom thinking that something horrible was going to happen without any proof that something horrible was actually going to happen. I’ll spare you the depressing details but, needless to say, I was in the trenches. I let a lot of my anxieties overrun my life and I felt like my world was on the verge of spinning off its axis. I did everything I could to try and remain calm but that was extremely difficult when it felt like my brain was running at a million miles per hour, only stopping to sleep.
One of the anxieties that took over my thoughts was the thought of going off to college and leaving the small life I had in the suburbs. During this time, this seemed like an impossible task to do. I shed many tears over the thought of having to deal with my anxiety in college. I spent many sleepless nights tossing, turning, and sobbing myself to sleep because I felt like I couldn’t go off to college. I could barely make it through the day as it was. How was I supposed to go to college in a place that was totally different than the one I was used to? I let my fears rule my world. They isolated me and trapped me with (what felt like) no way out.
This winter was a lot different than last winter. Don’t get me wrong, it was still overwhelming and I still shed my fair share of tears. Like many of you I’m sure, a lot of those tears were dedicated to the pressure of school and the fear that adulthood was becoming more real as the days went by. However, after I cried my eyes out, I would think about the nineteen-year-old girl who didn’t even think she could do what I am doing now. I thought about the nineteen-year-old girl who would sit in her therapist’s office with shaky legs and fidgeting hands. I thought about the nineteen-year-old girl who wouldn’t eat because she would get so nauseous from anxiety that it completely spoiled her appetite. I thought about the nineteen-year-old girl who thought that college might not even be an option for her anymore because she couldn’t picture a way out of living like this. Spoiler alert: there was a way out.
So, on the days where I felt like life just kept throwing punches at me, I did what any college student would do. I called my mom and dad, I cried my eyes out, and I vented about how hard life was in L.A. Then I wiped my tears, rolled up my sleeves, and I got back to work. Every time I got back to work, I would think about the life that I was living last winter. I would remember everything that I have been through and everything that I have endured to get to where I am today, a place that I never thought I would be. I thought about my strength and resilience and how that is something that not even my own fears and my own self-deprecating thoughts could take away from me. If I could get through that, I could get through anything.
So, sure, I did a lot of crying this winter quarter. But I cried over things that I never thought I would be able to cry about. I am at my dream school studying my dream major. I am doing things that matter to me, things that I have dreamed about doing since I was a little girl. And, sure, it gets hard sometimes, but then I just remind myself of where I am and who I am. If I cry, it is because I care so much about the life that I am building for myself, the life that I have worked so hard to get to. And there is nothing, not even myself, that is going to stop me from getting to where I want to and deserve to be. I’m glad that my tears are for this life and I know that nineteen-year-old girl is glad, too.
Life is overwhelming. School is overwhelming. Everything is so overwhelming, all the time. I get it. So, it’s important to take a step back and look at the big picture. Give yourself the credit you deserve, reflect on how far you’ve come, and take a moment to breathe and recognize the person that stands before you today. I hold nineteen-year-old Lauren very near and dear to my heart and, if I could go back in time, I would let her know that everything is going to be okay. I am very proud of her and I know that she is very proud of me.