I first noticed my anxiety when the sound of typing sent me into a panic. I could only focus on the cacophony of fingers hitting keys and mice rapidly clicking. My depression initially appeared when getting out of bed in the morning felt more difficult than parting the Red Seas. I never thought it could get worse, but I was wrong. As I got older, my anxieties only became worse and more prominent throughout the days. There was no rhyme or reason, it simply came and went, and I couldn’t explain what triggered it. I found myself having to hide in the school bathroom counting five things I could see, four things I could touch, three things I could hear, two things I could smell, and one thing I could taste, which is called the 5-4-3-2-1 coping technique for anxiety. I knew I needed help, but I couldn’t admit it, I couldn’t face the idea that there was something “wrong” with me.
I soon realized that it is okay to admit that I need help. Mental illnesses are not an isolated issue and are more common than you think. According to the United States Department of Health and Human Services, just about half of American adolescents have had a mental health disorder at some point in their lives. Of course, when I started therapy, I didn’t research how many teens suffer from mental illness, but over time I began to encounter more and more people my age struggling with the same issues as me. I tried the therapy route but couldn’t connect with any therapist. I felt like I was just another patient in their busy schedule. My most recent therapist quit after three sessions, and at this point, I was exhausted and not ready to try and find another one. That’s when my doctor recommended antidepressants.
I had read up on medications and, truth be told, I was scared to try them. I read that people became less alert or even gained suicidal feelings after taking antidepressants. I also heard horror stories on TikTok of people talking about how terrible medications were for them. People described feeling completely numb once their brains adjusted to the medicines. I also felt a lot of stigma surrounding medication; I only heard negative remarks about it.
In an interview with Shape, Kathleen Rivera M.D. stated, “Many still believe that the goal of medication for mental illness is to ‘zombify’ the person taking it or to change who they are.”
I have heard people call medication “crazy meds” or “store-bought serotonin,” which ultimately steered me away from starting medication. I also had been told that it changes your personality and you become a shell of the person you used to be. The thought of losing myself for a taste of normalcy in my brain was a thought I couldn’t fathom. The rumors drew me away from the idea of pursuing medicine. I was willing to suffer because I was too afraid. However, my doctor strongly encouraged me to take a leap of faith with the reassurance that I could always stop taking them. Therefore, I was prescribed my first antidepressant, Zoloft.
“Antidepressants work by boosting the activity of particular brain chemicals, or making the activity last longer.”
mind.org
My first attempt at medicine did not go so well. Everyone has different reactions to different medications, and Zoloft just wasn’t the one for me. I had horrible insomnia, which made me exhausted and irritable throughout the day, but I knew I couldn’t give up just yet. I consulted with my doctor, and she switched me to Lexapro, which treats both anxiety and depression. That switch was the best decision I ever made, and I have been on it ever since. Slowly, I started noticing my return back to my once-joyful state. My anxiety is more treatable with simple breathing exercises.
Reflecting on mental health now compared to before I started taking medicine, I am a completely different person, but not in the ways I originally thought. I am not a shell of a human; in fact, I’m more vibrant than I have been in years. I am so much happier than I ever thought I could achieve. Now when I look at the stigma surrounding medicine, it feels silly. Most of the backlash comes from those who have not suffered from any mental illness, so they don’t understand what it feels like to have such an invisible sickness.
For those who may be suffering, it’s okay to admit that you need help. The only way to get better is to seek the treatment you deserve. You may want to start small with meditation, then gradually move towards therapy. For some, those strategies are all they need, but others may need more than that, I did. Medication isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay, but don’t be afraid to try different solutions until you find the one that’s right for you. I have learned over time that everyone reacts differently to medication. Although one person may have a horror story with medication, it doesn’t mean you will too. There’s no ‘right’ way to help mental health; it’s all about trial and error.