Gaining weight after spending most of your adolescence trying to lose it is extremely difficult. I learned to thrive off the praise I received every time I dropped a few pounds. It molded me into the kind of person who had to constantly prove that the nasty comments on my body were wrong. Even though those people are no longer in my life, their words continue to live in the back of my mind.
How diet culture fueled my eating disorders
I still remember Chloe Ting’s infamous workout routines that ran the internet during quarantine. I was 200 pounds completing her “How to Get Abs in 2 Weeks” workout routine daily without realizing that’s not how weight loss works. Following these types of workouts and diets led to me spending the following few years recovering from anorexia and bulimia.
Social media consumerism is all about profiting off insecurities. Statements like, “Try this green powder to lose weight,” or, “Use this face cream to prevent wrinkles,” litter our TikTok and Instagram feeds. They prey on fears of not being good enough for society’s standards. It hurts even more when these harmful messages come from our favorite influencers, the ones we trusted not to sell those insecurities we’ve worked so hard to overcome. What starts as a way to scroll and escape reality becomes a harmful cycle of comparison and self-doubt.
For most of my life, I gave in to these toxic ideals. I believed that if I just followed a diet and workout plan created by a naturally skinny person, it would ‘fix’ me. But in reality, the reasons behind my weight fluctuations lay in something deeper — a doctor’s diagnosis. My constant weight gain and loss wasn’t due to how much I was working out or what I ate, but the effects of hyperthyroidism and the side effects of my depression medications. All of this has left me exhausted, and trying to heal past traumas surrounding my body has become something I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do.
changing the narrative
Despite all these past traumas and setbacks, I’ve realized that my worth is not in my weight. Gaining weight doesn’t mean I’m undisciplined, unhealthy, or unworthy; it means I’m trying my best and changing. My weight shows that I have enjoyed delicious meals with my loved ones and have given myself moments of comfort that I once denied myself in the name of diet culture.
Learning to re-love my body is a process that I’ll have to work through for the rest of my life. It’s a process that requires patience, compassion, and strength. Unlearning the self-criticism and societal standards I was raised on takes an immense amount of mental work. It forces me to shift my mindset and challenge the voice in my head that whispers, “I need to shrink,” or, “I’m not skinny enough.” Instead, it invites a voice that says, “I deserve kindness,” and, “I am enough the way that I am.”
What Self-love looks like to me
In curating my social media, I’ve started unfollowing and blocking creators who use their platforms to exploit their easily influenced audiences. Instead, I only follow creators who share easy-to-follow healthy recipes and workouts that focus on being active over targeting one specific insecurity. This change has helped shift my mindset so I don’t get lost in a toxic place.
I wear clothes that fit me rather than trying to fit into clothes. Getting rid of some of my old favorite clothes that no longer fit is hard, especially when I’m too broke to buy new clothes. But the relief of not having to see those old clothes in my closet anymore is something I’m starting to experience. I currently live in leggings and sweatpants, fearful for when the Florida warmth comes back, forcing me to wear shorts. However, being able to shop for new shorts that fit comfortably is something I can look forward to rather than stressing about how to fit into the ones that are too small.
Speaking kindly to myself is the hardest thing I’ve had to learn. Being my biggest critic has become ingrained in me, especially regarding my looks. I have become acquainted with being disappointed with the girl I see in the mirror. Despite these struggles, I have learned to constantly remind myself that weight gain is not a reflection of who I am as a person. Learning to speak kindly to myself is an ongoing process, but I prioritize practicing to learn compassion and grace with myself.
embracing change
The fact of the matter is that my body will continue to change forever. Learning to accept this has given me some challenging moments along with moments of growth. Life brings different changes — stressful, transformative, and happy — where my body will continue to adjust. My weight gain isn’t a sign of failure but a sign of life. It’s proof that my life and I have changed. Despite everything, I am growing.
If you’re struggling with your body changes, remember you are not alone. I see you. Your body isn’t wrong, and it isn’t a failure. You deserve self-love. Your body deserves to be loved through all of its changes.