We’ve all seen the memes that make petty, irrational behavior seem lovable and attractive. It reminds us of something we or a friend might be capable of, so we laugh and tag each other just to laugh about it later all over again. It’s fun. It’s funny. And often jokes help us bring up awkward discussions and it can carry the harsh truth we needed to hear. But sometimes it can make people become too comfortable with the topic. So comfortable that they begin to see it as normal and positive.
Sadly, many dysfunctional personality traits have been normalized because of its praise on social media. One of the biggest issues with this is how it distracts people with toxic behavior from seeking help and learning better coping skills.
Destructive criticism
Sometimes, those with toxic behaviors can be really lovable and fun to be around until suddenly they’re not. Their initial “confidence” quickly turns out to be stubbornness. They reveal that they just very insecure. And this can make them unbearable at times. They can never be happy about someone else’s accomplishments because it makes them feel lesser. They will always be the ones sandbagging others, bringing up negativity during celebrations, drawing attention to themselves, etc. Extremely insecure and selfish people often struggle with expressing their empathy. Thinking about you means less time for them to think about themselves. Their go-with-the-flow attitude is just carelessness and they will effortlessly tear people down without a cause. It can seem like a laughing matter, “oh that’s just how I am, deal with it” but it’s counterproductive to the growth of any relationship.
Playing the Victim
That loud, hyper-critical person can quickly turn into a scared, vulnerable little puppy as soon as anyone calls them out. They’ll turn on the tears, tell sob stories and say anything that will help justify their actions. Nothing they say will ever excuse their behavior, but often it’s enough to distract us from the real issue and get us caught up in their strong emotions. This is the guy who continually yells at you for being cold and heartless because you’re busy with work/school, but breaks down to a puddle of emotions the moment you call him out for not being supportive of your goals and his intense negativity. The guy who shines a light on your insecurities about your body/life and will condescend to you like he’s a king, but will feel bullied if you ever remind him that he’s far from perfect. This is the friend who flakes on plans without any consideration of others, but cries and shuts down when you reach out to her to reschedule something. It’s like they cannot see themselves at all. Zero self-awareness. So often times we just apologize to maintain peace even though they are completely wrong and unfair.
Obsession with drama
Everybody loves a good conflict. It can bring so much excitement and some much-needed thrill, but instigators are just exhausting. The girl who starts a fight with her BF just for fun. Accuses him of cheating so she can cry and get attention. The guy who intentionally starts talking to other girls just to see if his GF will “go crazy.” The people that start rumors and pit people against each other just because they can, so they will. It’s terrible. Why are you doing this? Life is hard enough without you setting fires. But again, when we are close to these kinds of people, we just laugh and accept it as a part of their eccentric personality. But it’s not colorful behavior, it’s just toxic. People are not playthings to manipulate for enjoyment.
There will be those who feel like a talented charmer for being able to put up with toxic behavior. With the narcissist’s idea that “only awesome people can handle me,” people get tricked into wrestling with the dysfunction. They accept it as something that will never change because it doesn’t have to change, and they commit to enabling them. They get used to giving excuses or they boast about how “talented” they are to be able to be close to something so dangerous. In reality, the enablers are just delaying the toxic person from facing the facts and probably don’t realize that to truly care about their friend or SO’s well-being is to ask them to get help. Healthy relationships should flourish, not fester.
To those who feel trapped and guilty for wanting to escape a relationship with someone who acts this way, remember that it is your right to feel safe and comfortable when you spend time with anyone. There will always be some guilt associated with these types of relationships because they will feel attacked if you ask them to change and will feel abandoned if you decide to walk away. But we all have one life to live, so why would anyone want to spend it being miserable for no good reason? Set your boundaries and make yourself available for only healthy interactions with them, continue to push for them to develop better ways to cope and if you can, offer to go with them to a therapist.
And to those that believe being a source of unneeded chaos is just great and a part of your charm, ask yourself these questions:
Are you happy? Do you make those around you happy? Ever?
Are you only able to boast of all the nice things others do for you? What can they boast about when speaking of you?
Do you want pity to be the only reason why he or she won’t break up with you or end the friendship?
Do you feel respected? Do you want respect?
Sooner or later, everyone has to face reality. What’s so great about being a self-destructive person who tries to ruin other people’s lives on purpose?
Try being honest with yourself. Stop calling your bad behavior “cute” and fetishizing it. Stop telling yourself that you have a reason to hurt others.
Be honest with others. If you want to sleep in, sleep in. If you rather do your own thing, politely cancel. There is no need to lie or makeup elaborate stories. And stand by your decisions. If you stayed in to watch Seinfeld and eat pasta, be happy with your decision and don’t complain later. Don’t go on social media and express how you feel left out. You made your decision, stand by it. No one is trying to isolate you. Work on keeping your paranoia in check. It will only ruin your relationships.
Be fair. The golden rule will do wonders for your life. Don’t borrow your friend’s dress and never return it, and send hellfire to your friend when she borrows your heels for the weekend. Or freak out after your boyfriend gets your coffee order wrong when you have never in the history of your relationships ever offered to get anyone coffee. And if you did, it would be whatever you felt like getting because you “don’t take orders from anyone.” It’s all hypocritical and that kind of behavior is polarizing.
Be open. Let your friends feel free to express their feelings about your behavior. Don’t be quick to take offense to their words. Don’t connect it to your worth as a person. Work on finding the root of your insecurities and inconsistencies. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice from the professionals. Work hard to be the best version of yourself. I promise it will be worth it.