For a majority of my life, I’ve thought that being liked by everyone was one of the greatest achievements. To me, it meant answering the text, staying later than I’d like, over-apologizing, and eventually shrinking myself to make everyone else comfortable. Admittedly, for a while, I wore my people-pleasing tendency as a badge of honor. But, at the end of the day, I came to realize just how exhausting it is to put others ahead of myself.
So, this year, I’ve made an effort to do some reflecting. My biggest takeaway? Constantly accommodating others, especially putting them before yourself, is an act of fear. Whether that be the fear of disappointing people, of being misunderstood, of being left- it all comes down to one thing. Fear.
When I finally came to this conclusion, I knew that something had to change. So, I started setting small, feasible boundaries that I knew I could hold myself to.
Truthfully, it felt SO wrong at first. Saying “I can’t” made me feel immense amounts of guilt. Something as simple as putting my rest before others’ expectations truly made me question myself. Was I being selfish? Was I changing myself too much? As an anxious girlie, I know these thoughts all too well.
But the hard truth is that I wasn’t changing myself at all. I should have been able to advocate for myself from the beginning. Of course, that is easier said than done, but I will say that setting boundaries didn’t push people away from me, it revealed who truly respected me.
Quickly, I began to notice who valued every part of me. The right people didn’t guilt me for needing space or punish me for saying “no”. They simply went on with their day and adjusted. Throughout it all, they stayed.
With more and more practice, I began to notice how meaningful my friendships became as I was slowly becoming my authentic self. Soon enough, I stopped saying yes instead of tiptoeing around the word no, I stopped over-explaining myself (and honestly, nobody really wants to hear it), and most importantly, I stopped accepting treatment that left me feeling small.
At last, I had gained such a sense of peace, both in my own life and the relationships that I had with others. Being completely honest, I do still worry that I am disappointing people with my boundaries. But, I’ve also come to realize that by abandoning your own needs, you are showing someone that their boundaries are more important than ours. And that, ladies, could not be further from the truth.
Setting boundaries IS hard; it is not “supposed” to be easy, otherwise everyone would be doing it.
At the end of the day, we are human. We yearn to be comforted. But, setting boundaries- especially the right ones- will never get in the way of your comfort.
You are still the same kind, generous, and loving person as before. The only difference? You’re adding yourself into the equation now, too! And that couldn’t be further from selfish. In fact, it’s selfless.
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