Trigger Warning: Mentions of OCD, pedophilia, and intrusive thoughts
I’ve had obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, for as long as I can remember, and it has complicated my life in all sorts of unexpected ways. When I was first diagnosed in my sophomore year of high school, like many people with OCD, I honestly did not believe I had it. I made the uninformed assumption that this meant I am extremely Type A, a clean freak, and maybe I would have to turn the lights on and off a few times before leaving the house. Unfortunately, I could not have expected how prominent it would end up being in my relationships, particularly my sex life.
OCD is defined as a mental health disorder characterized by obsessions, which are intrusive thoughts, unwanted images and urges, as well as compulsions, which are repetitive behaviors to prevent something or to make something feel “right.” Together, they cause constant distress. Speaking from experience, it can deteriorate your life and isolate you when not treated properly.
How OCD affects my sex life
As reported by the National Institutes of Health, 39% of individuals with OCD display sexual dissatisfaction. In a more recent study by Ghassamzadeh and colleagues, 80.6% of females with OCD have sexual dysfunction. The most common intrusive thoughts around sex are relationship and intimacy fears (“What if I’m pretending to enjoy this?” “What if I’m not attracted to my partner?”), sexual orientation (“I’m missing out on enjoying sex because I wish my partner were a different gender?”), or contamination (“I can never get clean after this,” “I’m going to get an STI”).
These thoughts make sex a shameful, stressful experience instead of being enjoyable. Sex can also lead to many obsessions afterwards, such as rumination, mental checking, and reassurance-seeking. Sex for people with OCD can also look like distractions based on other OCD ruminations (“Is my dog at the door? Why am I thinking about my dog right now? Am I attracted to my dog?”), but suppressing these thoughts often only makes them more prominent.
Intrusive thoughts do not define you as a person in any way. These unwanted thoughts are not a reflection of your character and do not make you weird or dirty; they do not represent your desires or intentions.
As uncomfortable as it is to talk about these thoughts, the more they’re discussed, the more stigmatization can be reduced. These negative experiences lead many people to avoid it altogether because of their guilt. Alternatively, the toll OCD takes on your body can lead to a severely decreased libido or inability to reach climax, which only leads to more sexual dissatisfaction. For me, I often see myself thinking, “What is wrong with me for feeling this way?”
According to SHIPS (an online OCD database), the most common themes of OCD that affect sex are relationship, sexual orientation doubts, contamination, scrupulosity, magical thinking, and pedophilia. These are all extremely common themes of OCD.
Navigating your fears
It can be helpful to involve your partners in these fears, even when it’s scary. Sex is extremely intimate, and communicating your experiences can help you work together to make sexual encounters safer and more comfortable, especially when OCD is causing severe distress.
It is extremely difficult to admit things like this; OCD thrives on secrecy, and sex is a topic most are not open to discussing, but without conversations about their intersection, people aren’t able to receive the help they deserve.
As someone who is currently in exposure and response prevention, I know that treatment is not easy. It is a long-term project full of effort and ups and downs, but I am certain that the results will be worth it. It was not easy to accept my diagnosis and get help, but it is so important, even when it feels impossible at times. The Vivid Psychology Group suggests that the best treatments to combat these thoughts are ERP, acceptance and commitment therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy.
Nobody should have to face these feelings alone. Reach out, talk to someone you trust, and seek the help that you deserve.
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