Would I ever go back to who I used to be four years ago, two years ago, or even just a year ago? Never, I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. But then, why do I miss her? I grapple with this sense of loss of earlier versions of me and extreme resentment of these versions of myself.
I think much of this stems from anger from past decisions or decisions I didn’t make. I think I’ve always been an extremely passive person, living to validate and please those around me, and I live with heavy regret regarding my significant decisions. But I can’t help but look back and wish I still had certain aspects of myself.Â
When it comes to me in particular, I think the amount of confidence I used to have was enormous. Regardless of how insecure, unsure, and scatterbrained I was, I always held it together no matter what room I walked into. I always held my head high, spoke my mind, and carried myself with such high standards — I refused to let the world see right through the facade.
Now, I would say I know much more than I used to; I’m more self-aware and happy with my appearance and intellect. Still, I can’t help but feel I don’t belong more than ever. How can I acknowledge that I have matured and become more in tune with myself, yet can’t help but cower in the corner.?
I miss the old me — the way she didn’t care what others thought, the Miss “I know everything is going to work out,” Miss “I’m going to pretend I have it all together,” Miss “who gives a f*ck.”
But whenever I look back at old photos, whenever I’m reminded of old memories, I feel disgusted and humiliated about who I used to be. How could I have let myself go that far, how did I not see it, why was I so just *ugh* I can’t explain.
I feel frustrated thinking about myself even a year ago, embarrassed and ashamed, but how can I hate her? How can I view her as a different person? She is literally me.Â
Why can I give everyone in life grace except myself? How can I hate who I was before when I knew exactly what she was going through? Everyone talks about speaking kindly to yourself, as how you treat yourself affects your perception of everything, but this also applies to previous versions of yourself. I could never be who I am now and who I’m going to be without who I used to be. No matter how messy, sloppy, and disorganized I was, I miss parts of myself. She was trying, and that’s all I could ask of her — ask of me.Â
I can sit here, miss certain aspects of me, and pity past choices in the same breath. But, it’s like looking inwards; I would have done x, y, and z, but at the moment, you only do what you think is best. How can I be so kind to everyone but me? How can I forgive everyone but me?Â
You’re never going to be perfect at any stage of life. I will never feel completely satisfied. Even in the future, I will hate the decisions I’m making right now. But self-pity and being at war with yourself forever is a never-ending cycle. I can only try to be better and move forward.Â
I hate who I used to be, but she was so lost, so out of it, she just was doing her best, and how could I hate her for that? She was just doing what she thought was right; how could I blame her for that? She never meant for things to not work out or to disappoint her future self — hating her is getting (us) nowhere.Â
Learning to forgive, let go, and appreciate every phase of who I’m becoming is all a part of life (so clichĂ©), but it is. It’s the hard part of life, carrying burden and love for yourself all from within. I refuse to continue to live my life, ashamed of who I used to be. She deserves to be loved and to be seen for all that she’s done, not by anyone else but me.