Everyone Wants a Village, But Can Everybody Be a Villager?

Do we really owe anyone anything, or do we have to sacrifice ourselves to earn our place in our social circles? 

On one hand, self-care is important and necessary to becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be. On the other, it’s important to show up for the people we love. 

“Everyone wants a village, but nobody wants to be a villager” is a sentiment that has been circulating a lot lately. The line between looking after ourselves and our relationships with others blurs when two extremes vie for preeminence. It’s difficult to figure out how to be a good friend, a successful student, and practice self-care when all these versions of yourself are tied to your definition of self-worth. Each quality is like currency, and we’re sold the fantasy that performing all these seemingly basic tasks to the extreme, until they’re perfected, is what makes us well-rounded people. 

Social media is full of ideas like this:

“Throw yourself into a ten-step skincare routine and cut off everyone you know for the sake of protecting your peace, then you’ll be happy! Remember, you don’t owe anyone anything!”

“What’d make you even happier is having a 4.0 GPA, so why’d you get less than a 90% on that exam you did?”

“You were supposed to study like Rory Gilmore this semester! Isn’t that what you told yourself you’d do? And while you were protecting your peace and chasing that 4.0, you didn’t make time for your friends!”

These sentiments push the idea of wanting a village, but not wanting to put in the effort it takes to actually to be a villager. Being a part of a community requires effort from each individual party.

Is being a well-rounded person really this complicated, or are we over-complicating it? There are only 24 hours in a day, and while that’s known to everyone, do we remember it enough to give ourselves grace? 

Forcing every part of yourself to complete tasks to the maximum, all the time, is impossible and unfair to yourself. Instead, have a warm shower at the end of a long day, tell your friends you’re busy, and you’re thinking of them, and remind yourself that the road to success does not have to look perfect.

Aim for success by doing your best with what you have. These small things may feel obvious, but they can get clouded in the mess of perfectionism. 

Becoming a ‘villager’ can mean taking small, steady steps every day, in each of your villages. Not trying to to do the impossible, and thus not fostering any village at all.

• family
• friendships
• selfcare
• Support
• university
• wellness