CONTENT WARNING: In this article I will share specific experiences since being diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If you’re sensitive to OCD thoughts and/or compulsions, this might not be the read for you.
October is OCD awareness month. As someone who’s a little too aware, I’m sharing my story on how it impacts me in an effort to break the stigma around OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears known as obsessions (Mayo Clinic 2023). The International OCD Foundation reports that about 8.2 billion adults in the US experience OCD at some point in their lives (IOCDF 2026). It is important to bring awareness to the impact of OCD in daily life for it to be better understood.
Contamination
- In the Cambridge English Dictionary: making something dirty/poisonous or containing dangerous elements.
- In my mind- anything anyone else has touched, anything outside, germs, smells, a feeling something is dirty, and anything I’ve touched after touching all those things.
If I had a diary for all my OCD thoughts, it would look a little something like this…
At School
I leave my apartment and touch the door handle, then the elevator buttons. I sanitize my hands. I’m leaving my building; I push open the door with my foot, so I don’t have to touch the handle.
At class, I touch more door handles. I take out my computer, but it has to sit on my computer case because the case sits on dirty surfaces, but the bottom of my computer itself can only touch the clean surfaces in my room. I sanitize my hands. When class is over, I do it all again.
At home, my bag goes in its spot on the floor of my room that it always does because that spot can be dirty but not the rest of the clean floor zone. I wash my hands, then clean my iPad, computer, phone, and water bottle with antibacterial wipes. I scrub my hands in the sink again.
On Vacation
The airport and plane are practically exposure therapy. I wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt so that no part of my skin can be exposed. Going through security, my bookbag has to go in the bin with the straps not touching the bin because those will go on my body. My hand sanitizer stays in my pocket for easy access.
On the plane, I wipe down my entire seat before sitting or putting down anything. I sanitize my hands. I ask my boyfriend, brother, and parents to all sanitize too. Oh my gosh, they’re serving very strong-smelling foods for the overnight flight. I’m stuck in this enclosed capsule with this food smell for hours, what if the smell sticks to me for the rest of the day! I bury my face in my hood and try to fall asleep while holding my breath.
We made it to Spain! Okay, my plane outfit can’t be worn or touched by any of my clean clothes, so it needs to go in a separate drawer in our Airbnb. My bookbag was on the plane floor so that can’t touch anything either. Our house and view are stunning, plus I’m in clean clothes now so everything is okay.
I put my pillowcase from home on the pillow and make sure the blankets fully cover it so nothing from outside can touch. What is that on the bed, that looks like dirt. I’m inspecting the bed and am positive there is some type of dirt. I’m fully panicking on the inside. I tell my mom the bed is dirty and to come and see.
According to my mom and boyfriend, there is no dirt, it’s just in my head. I can’t believe how ungrateful I am. My parents brought us on a beautiful trip, and I say the bed looks dirty. What is wrong with me? I don’t want to be this way; I don’t want to see dirt that isn’t there. Do you know everything constantly seems dirty, but I never say? Okay, I won’t mention this again, I can’t ruin the trip. I scrub my hands in the sink.
Cold Weather
It’s winter so naturally my skin is insanely dry. I don’t like to put on lotion because it feels sticky and dirty. Everywhere I go I wash and sanitize my hands constantly. Winter is germ-season, so I need to wash them extra. My skin is starting to crack and swell. I have little cuts on both hands, but I can’t stop washing them.
My hands are swollen and cut for the duration of winter. Once the weather gets warmer, they’re less dry, but I still don’t wash my hands any less. At least now the physical consequences of my mind aren’t visible.
At Home
There are dirty and clean zones in my home. Everywhere but my bedroom is a semi-dirty zone. My bed is the only totally uncontaminated place. The top of my comforter is okay to sit on whenever, but under my sheets can only be touched after a shower with new pajamas. Right after I shower at night, I can’t sit anywhere except under my sheets.
My clean pajamas can never touch the living room couch because then they would contaminate my bed. If I want to watch TV downstairs with my parents after my shower? I need to put on a new outfit because I’m clean from my shower, but the unclean couch can’t touch my clean pajamas or skin, so I need to wear sweats and socks to make sure nothing touches.
When it’s time for bed with clean pajamas and washed hands, it’s time to say my prayers. I recite the same prayer but sometimes if I feel like I wasn’t paying enough attention to it, I have to restart. I pray for a list of loved ones, careful not to leave anyone out because then something bad could happen to them and it would be my fault. I redo my prayers over and over until it feels right.
Each day in my diary is different, but OCD interfering is always there.
Why?
OCD looks different for everybody. People may view the actions of those with OCD as just being picky or difficult. However, according to Mayo Clinic, “You may or may not know that your obsessions and compulsions are beyond reason… they take up a great deal of time, reduce your quality of life, and get in the way of your daily routines and responsibilities.” (Mayo Clinic 2023). I knew my hands were split open from obsessively washing them, but I couldn’t make myself stop.
A year and a half ago I saw a therapist for the first time. In talking to her, I realized OCD has interfered with my daily life for a long time. It wasn’t always so bad, but sometimes OCD can onset later in life or show up around a stressful adjustment period like moving. The bulk of my OCD behaviors are contamination centered. To help me work through it, she reminded me every session that our skin is designed to keep germs out, so instead of sanitizing between every step of my day, I do a good cleansing wash when I get home.
OCD can impact your relationship with others too. I needed help when I wouldn’t let my boyfriend touch my bed, or I couldn’t describe to my parents why I was so upset when nothing was visibly wrong. Feeling that something is contaminated makes no sense to someone who doesn’t experience it, and I felt my behaviors were frustrating those around me. I knew I couldn’t let OCD drive people away.
If you struggle with OCD, it’s important to help educate the people in your life on how you feel. If you know someone with OCD, it’s also important to listen, even if you don’t understand. My boyfriend may not get why I make him hold things for me, so they don’t touch the floor, but for Christmas he got me mittens to keep my dry hands out of the cold and so I wouldn’t have to touch any door handles with my skin. It really is the little things.
October is OCD awareness month, but this mental health disorder affects people every second of every day. I think it’s important to share our stories so OCD can be better understood by society. Seek out help if you’re struggling and remember your thoughts will never define you. OCD thoughts can feel urgent in the moment, but try to recognize they’re only thoughts, refocus your attention, and move on.