Ever since I can remember, I have worn makeup. I went through all the phases, from heavy yellow foundation and blocky brows to chunky mascara. I started wearing makeup at an early age because I did competitive dance. Makeup was second nature because if I had to wear it every weekend for dance, why couldn’t I wear it to school?
In third grade, I entered my class wearing a too-tan foundation for my skin tone. It was my mom’s, and she was quite tan- with an affinity for bright pink lip gloss. I felt so grown and pretty, but my teacher promptly scolded me, and I had to wash it off. Since then, I have always loved makeup, but unfortunately, that love turned into a reliance over time.
I started getting acne when I was in fifth grade, about nine or ten years old; and through middle school, it progressed into nasty and painful breakouts. I was getting majorly bullied at school, with people calling me “dirty” and “greasy” for having bad acne. I was doing everything I could, trying every product to help my acne, but nothing would help. I was wildly insecure about my appearance, so I turned to makeup. From sixth grade to my senior year of high school, I would wake up at 5:30-6:00 am and put on a full face of cosmetics.
Foundation, concealer, bronzer, blush, eyebrow pencil, mascara, lip gloss, anything to make me feel beautiful and validated by my peers. The messed-up truth was that people liked me more with makeup. People would compliment me; people would ask me to be in group pictures. I didn’t feel disgusting anymore because makeup was my shield.
In my senior year of high school, I went on Accutane, and my acne cleared up, but the insecurity of my skin changing so rapidly still made me rely on makeup. Even without acne, I had conditioned myself to think that I was not good enough or pretty enough without makeup. Makeup wasn’t an art for me; it was a necessity.
When I got to college and my life got progressively busier, I let go of makeup for a little bit to focus on other things. Going outside without makeup was unheard of for me, and it was uncomfortable at first- even sometimes rushing back to my dorm after class to at least put a little concealer and mascara on…. The more I went outside with makeup, the more I realized that I am still just as beautiful without it. People would treat me the same with or without makeup, and my college friends never commented about my large pores or tired eyes, unlike my high school peers.
This year, I still have the habit of putting on makeup not to accentuate my features but to cover them; but slowly, I’m breaking the habit. Instead of foundation, I wear a sheer and light concealer so you can still see my freckles and imperfections. Instead of using heavy mascara to make my eyes look lifted, I curl my lashes and leave them mascara-less because I have learned to love my eyes’ natural droopiness and light brown eyelashes. Instead of heavy lipliner and lipstick to make my lips appear more prominent, I wear sheer-tinted ChapStick or sheer-tinted lip gloss to embrace my natural lip shape.
Slowly but surely, the mindset of relying on makeup has diminished, as I realize that I am beautiful no matter my physical appearance. I still get compliments from my friends and roommates without makeup on, my girlfriend still thinks I’m pretty without makeup on, and most importantly, I look in the mirror. I am beautiful without makeup, and if you asked my 15-year-old self the same question, she would’ve given you a completely different answer.
This Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend and I are going to a nice dinner, and the anxious thought of “you need to wear makeup because this is a nice place” is creeping up in my brain- and it’s been really bothering me lately. But, through pep talks with myself, through self-care nights, through staring sessions in the bathroom mirror, it doesn’t matter where the date is or how fancy the atmosphere is. Even if I wear a full beat or no makeup at all, I am still beautiful, and I still deserve to feel beautiful in a fancy restaurant. My beauty is unique, inside and out, and I will never let makeup take that away from me again.