I’m never doing that again, I told myself after breaking up with my highschool boyfriend after one year of long distance at university. Three years later and guess who’s in another long distance relationship? Yeah, it’s me. But it feels different this time, and after talking to some friends and fellow Her Campus girls, I’ve started to pinpoint why.
One of my friends expressed to me that he was finally open to looking for a relationship at university, which came at a bad time being a fourth year and having more work than ever. This caused me to reflect on my own experience with long distance and university work, and I came to realize that although it’s hard being away from your partner, maybe doing long distance while in university is a blessing in disguise.Â
To broaden my knowledge and deal with the complexity of long distance, I knew I wanted to incorporate other voices. After talking to friends and fellow Her Campus girls, I was surprised yet comforted to hear repeated experiences from other girls going through long distance right now.Â
If any of our long distance guys are reading this right now, don’t worry, we can’t tell you how much we’d love for the distance to end. But since we’re apart for now, let me tell you how we’re making the best of it.Â
All the girls I spoke with experienced an energy shift while away from their partners. Obviously being separated isn’t ideal, but out of that, everyone spoke of greater awareness of the self. Long distance might prompt us to look after ourselves more in the absence of someone else looking after us, and strengthens our ability to show up for ourselves emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Showing up for yourself can help dull the ache of long distance. Try practicing mindfulness through rituals like journaling to get in touch with your inner thoughts and uncover things you didn’t know about yourself. My friend Paula felt it’s the perfect time to “spend every day learning about yourself, who you are outside of your relationship.”
Long distance can help you grow as a person in tandem with your partner. Jess, who’s been doing long distance with her boyfriend Jake, shared the sweetest insight that I absolutely adored: “If you have your own life already going on, your life is enhanced by the other person, not made by the other person.” Going against tropes of romanticized codependence, I think what truly should be seen as romantic is each being a fully formed independent person whilst continually choosing to grow alongside each other.
“Long distance definitely is an opportunity to step outside of your comfort zone,” says Jess. Just like long distance, personal growth can be really challenging; however, knowing who you are, and allowing yourself to become the best version of you, makes the time spent together even more enjoyable. Our very own Her Campus VP and Long Distance Warrior Lily said it best: “You have to be whole in yourself to make long distance work, to make your relationship work.”
This semester, you have a new boyfriend and he looks a lot like a tall stack of 20 page Art History readings. Uni life is busy. Long distance for the semester removes the internal fight between prioritizing your relationship and your uni work. Paula talked about being able to buckle down at the library and feel guilt free. Last year, Paula and her boyfriend used to spend their days studying in the library together, mutually stressed out about their work. Doing long distance, she feels their connection has only gotten stronger, because the time they do get to spend together is intentional and focused on one another rather than distracted coffee breaks between study sessions. Now for Paula, facetiming at the end of the day and relaying the smallest details is much more meaningful than eight hours spent together in the library basement.Â
All the girls I spoke to had amazing things to say about the value of female friendships being there for you throughout the hardships of long distance. Lily feels long distance is also a time to grow and expand strong female friendships. I know I’ve been guilty of letting friendship take a backseat to relationships in the past, but it’s something I’ve been mindful of ever since, as they are not to be taken for granted! Although it might not be a direct replacement for a relationship, friendships can be just as fulfilling and special and deserve a very important seat at the table. For Lara, one of our Her Campus Editors, she goes out with her girlfriends after saying goodbye to her long distance boyfriend because she knows they’ll always be there for her.Â
Finally, for my fellow girls going through long distance right now, here are some of the coping mechanisms we’re using to get us through:
Try journaling to learn about yourself.
Jess recommends video messages, so you and partner can catch up with what’s going on in each other’s lives on your own time without the stress of finding a time to FaceTime.
Lily’s a big picture girl, and finds focusing on the future to help her feel better about being apart in the short term. And as we all know, St Andrews can be a bit of a bubble, so the distance helps remind her that there’s a whole world out there.
Lara finds it important to stay in touch, but not in a way that disrupts your routine, and emphasizes the importance of boundaries when it comes to calling and facetiming. Instead of facetiming for two hours “which can be quite draining” says Lara (it’s hard talking to a screen for hours), Lara prefers to talk while walking and going about her day (or netflix partying, multitasking queen).
For Paula, she keeps busy as much as possible, getting back into hobbies like crocheting and reading, and above all prioritizing her school work – you academic weapon!Â
Could it be possible that doing long distance while at Uni is actually for the best? It gives us the push we wouldn’t normally have to reconcile with ourselves, forge strong friendships, and go for those high marks on essays.
Since I can’t go on cute dates with my boyfriend right now, why not fill that void with fluorescent lights and the healthy several hundred page reading diet of a humanities student. This year I’m embracing long distance with a full calendar, weekly yoga classes, and friends who understand what it’s like.