Trigger Warning: Depression/Anxiety
I’ve spent the last five years of my life struggling against my own mind. In and out of therapy, panic attacks galore, the constant struggle between wanting to be alone but also not wanted to be alone. I only started taking medication for the most recent year of my life. I am writing this for anyone out there who is struggling, afraid, and considering taking medication but not sure if it’s what’s best for them. It’s so incredibly important to talk about mental health on college campuses and all of the different options people have for treatment.
First things first, it may not be best for you. You may have to go through pills and pills and none of them may end up working. Most people need a combination of various types of treatment. But hey, it’s better to know than not know, right? Schedule an appointment with the Student Health Center for further guidance, or with your regular medical providor.
I got prescribed the pills in January of last year. I remember sitting in my room, staring at the bottle, feeling myself enter into panic-attack mode, and debating whether or not I needed this, whether or not it was a good decision. Then, I just thought to myself: the fact that I’m having a panic attack over a decision I could make in two seconds tells me that I need to make some sort of change.
At first it made my stomach hurt. I lost my appetite for a week, which made the sadness all the worse. But then, one day, I woke up and I felt lighter. I felt like I could participate in class. I felt like my opinion was valid. I felt wanted, I felt needed, and I felt okay with myself.
It’s been up and down since then. Things happen and the medication needs to be adjusted. That’s perfectly okay, and perfectly normal, and it’s so important to learn to accept that. So, here goes nothing:
Dear Anti-depressants,
Thank you for giving me the boost I needed when I couldn’t help myself.
Thank you for teaching me that you can’t actually give me happiness – you taught me that I can give myself happiness.
Thank you for teaching me more about depression and anxiety, and teaching me to view my mental state the same way as my physical state – sometimes, you need medicine to get better.
Thank you for not always working. Thank you for keeping me working at who I am. Thank you for teaching me that things don’t just fix themselves in one minute, they take time, and they take various treatments.
Thank you for making the panic attacks stop. Thank you for making me stop shaking in class. Thank you for letting me finally feel normal and comfortable in myself.
Thank you for letting me open up, and thank you for letting me love myself.
Love, your close bud,
Erin