Truthfully, this has been a really hard semester for me.
On paper, it’s not bad. I have small amounts of homework, fewer group projects, and fewer classes than I’ve had in a while. But I can feel myself wearing through like a well-loved sock.
I’m working three jobs right now. None of them are high-stakes, and they’re all fairly low hours, and it’s fine! It really is. It’s taking some of the financial pressure off of my shoulders. But it’s still a lot less free time. The one job is sporadic and can randomly take my entire Sunday.
I’m supposed to be starting another job soon, too. I got hired after my internship, and they want me to start part-time during the semester. It’s exciting, and I look forward to starting there, but having four jobs and being a full-time student is going to be exhausting.
I haven’t been doing too bad with time management. I haven’t missed an assignment; I make time to do a hobby for at least a half hour most days, but I’m still feeling hollowed out. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed or leave my house. I just want to lie there, hiding from everything around me.
I got hit fairly hard with loss this semester. On the first day of classes, we had to put my cat down. It was awful, and just this morning I was staring at a spot where he used to lie and missing him. Then, a week ago, my grandfather passed away. It was a long time coming, and in a way, I already grieved him. Turns out, grieving knowing that someone will be passing soon, and grieving because they’re gone are different. The day after I found out, I still went to work. I would have gone to classes if my sister hadn’t talked me out of it. Same thing with his funeral. It was in the afternoon, and I almost went to my morning classes.
This is so stupid compared to that, but my boyfriend accidentally backed into something and put a hole in my back bumper. We were picking up dinner the day after my grandpa passed, and his car needs a bit of work. I wasn’t feeling up to driving, so he drove my car. It was a minor thing, but with everything else it was just too much.
I’ve been going to classes and getting my work done. I smile, crack jokes, and check in on the people around me. But some days I have trouble getting a word out because it’s too much effort. There are times when I can’t think and space out for way too long. I get exhausted being around anything.
I don’t even know how to take a true break. If I’m home, someone is always there wanting to talk, even if I go into my room with my door shut. If I’m at school, even being in the same room as someone can feel like too much. I tried putting on a show for background noise; that was too much. So was music, but sitting with my thoughts is too much sometimes.
I know I’ll get through this and everything will be fine. But it is so hard to re-regulate when life keeps moving, and there are so many things that need to get done.