I struggle with exercise.
I grew up athletic—my parents were both athletes in college, my sister is a Division 1 lacrosse player, and I had every opportunity to play any sport I wanted in my youth. My dad’s a PE teacher and coaches track year-round. There’s a collection of every ball and every piece of athletic equipment you could think of in my mom’s garage at home.
I loved running in elementary school; I was part of a runner’s club and participated in every fun run there was. In middle school, I made the field hockey team, and in junior high, I was the best hurdler in track. I spent my summers going to volleyball camp and played for two different clubs over four years, collecting so many medals along the way.
Somewhere in high school, things changed. My mental health took a decline. I developed debilitating anxiety, and it was awful. I would cry after every volleyball practice because of (very reasonably, politely given) corrections from my coach. I felt like such a failure all the time, even though I wasn’t horrible. I lost confidence and playing time, and it sucked.
It was fair, though—at the level we were playing, sending over a free ball at the net every play wasn’t an option. My coach and teammates always told me to swing, but I couldn’t bring myself to risk that failure. In my junior year, I quit volleyball altogether. It was my last and best sport, and then it wasn’t a part of my identity anymore.
Still, for the rest of high school, I stayed in good shape. I had a gym membership, got help with my anxiety, went for runs, and played lacrosse in the yard with my sister; I felt good.
Then college came, and I got hit with the second wave of puberty. I gained 30 pounds in less than a year (very possibly birth control induced) and stopped moving because it was so exhausting to move a larger body than I was used to growing up.
Now, I barely recognize myself. I desperately want to exercise again, to run and stretch and use my body, but I can’t find an outlet to do that. I’m frustrated by the idea of exercising because everything is so much harder than it once was. I just stopped moving, and I don’t know how to get started again.
I miss being athletic, and I grieve that every day.