Fake It Til You Make It with ME
This phrase means, “To consciously cultivate an attitude, feeling or perception of competence that you don’t currently have by pretending you do until it becomes true” according to google.
With everything going on in my life right now with school, clubs, my jobs, friends, my emotions, family death, etc. I feel like this semester has just been one thing after the next and I have been constantly faking my normal personality and self until I “come back” but it’s hard. I am going to be honest with you and you will be able to see my worries for each section and the questions I keep asking myself.
I hope that if you are feeling like you are faking it that you know you aren’t alone and this is something that comes and goes. It’s been happening my entire life and it happens to our people. Take a moment while you are reading this and think do I ask myself the same questions? Are my questions similar? I think that this could be a moment of honest truth for you like it was for me while writing this article.
School
We came back from the break to find out that a new attendance policy of 10% was put in place. So for most classes this means 3 absences and then you get a disposition. This policy is meant to keep us motivated to come to class and participate but instead it came about to terrify most of the people in my education classes thinking we can never get sick, have a mental health day, have a family or personal emergency. They explained that a disposition isn’t meant to be trouble but how it feels to us is as a daunting and overwhelming presence where we feel like we have no power in the education we pay for. I also have more group projects and papers than I can remember. I keep forgetting a few exist so I am working farther along on some then I am on others which is giving a weird balance on my workload as I am trying to keep up.
Why did the Education Department think that adding this policy was the best idea? Why didn’t they ask the students? The classes I am taking are meant to be all taken together so why are they doing this still when they know it’s rough? Are they not listening to the feedback we give at the semester end? Will I get sick and have to miss a day? What is something happens like a family emergency? Am I doing my best? What if I fall behind on work? How am I suppose to keep it all straight when I use a planner and it’s not working this semester like it has in the past? Will I be a good Teacher? Am I doing Enough?
Work
I have two jobs on campus and I also have church gigs when I go back home once and a while. The one job is only 8 hours a week so it’s like a part time job but I do homework at it for most of the time so it’s nice. My other job is only supposed to be 12-15 hours in the office a week with 2 hours at home but on average I spend at least 20 hours in the office at 10 hours at home which doesn’t include extra things so it feels like a fulltime job. Don’t get me wrong I love what I do and I get to do homework sometimes but not always. Last semester it seemed easy to do both but this semester I feel like I am constantly running behind and trying to catch up or people don’t understand my communication method which hasn’t changed to the disconnect confuses me when it was fine in the fall. I am just trying to keep a float and it feels like I keep hitting walls.
How did I make it work in the fall? Why do I feel like I am behind when I know I’m not? Am I gonna burn out? Am I producing the same level of work this spring semester as I did in the fall? Is my boss worried? Am I working enough hours? Am I balancing school, Work and my social life properly? What can I do to be better? Am I one step ahead of my boss so I can complete a task before it’s asked? Am I doing enough?
Clubs/Organizations
I am the Campus Correspondent for our chapter of Her Campus @ SAU. I am the Director of Social Media for the Sexual Assault Awareness Team(SAAT). I recently became a Sexual Assault Advocate.I am also a member of DAPi. I do have a lot of extracurriculars and I enjoy being a part of them. DAPi is Delta Alpha Pi which is an honor society for students with disabilities. I am just a member so I don’t have to do much for this group which is nice. I am a brand new sexual assault advocate so I don’t know exactly how much time it will take but I do know that I will only be on call 1-2 days a week so that is when I will mainly get people except for when they come to my door. This won’t be such a set time thing. I am on the SAAT executive committee and being the Director of Social Media is something that I am super passionate about and excited to do. I want to make a difference with this organization on the campus and I think it is such a big deal for people to know we exist. Finally and probably most importantly I am the head of our Diamond Level chapter of Her Campus. This role is like a full time job. I can easily spend at least 5 hours a day doing work for our group. I hold “Office hours” so that I even have time set aside for members to meet with me or I can join the office hours or workshops held by HCHQ. I am trying to do everything right for this organization and it’s not always easy. When policies change mid semester or year it can be difficult to have our chapter keep up. We are a small private school with about 30 members. Some of these changes are really hard to keep up with being a small chapter but we are in the 10% so we have to keep up with everything.
How do I get a small chapter to keep up with being a Diamond Level chapter? Am I doing a good job as a Campus Correspondent? Am I putting enough time in? Am I supporting my exec board and writers properly? Am I doing a good job running the Social Media for SAAT? Am I making posts that will get a lot of engagement? Will I do a good job as an advocate? Will I get a lot of cases? Will I look nervous on my first one? Will I be able to support them properly? Overall am I just doing enough?
Friends/Relationships
Finding time in my schedule for a social life is hard so I have to choose wisely who I spend it with. I keep a small circle of close friends and I do that on purpose because it’s hard for me to open up to people. I know a lot of people because of my jobs, extracurriculars, major, etc. but very few get to know MY STORY. I have let in some wrong people over the course of my 23 years of living which happens to everyone once and a while. I have dated some people that were good to me and others not so much. I let things go that created bigger problems but I have made it through all of them. I don’t regret any of it though because they all have taught me lessons and I have grown. I hold no ill feelings for any of them and genuinely wish them the best because I have moved on and found friends who bring me so much joy in my life and that makes me extremely happy.
Do I make enough time for my friends? Am I supporting them? Who are my closest friends that are true? Do my friends know how much I appreciate them? Why don’t I regret certain friendships? Why did I let the wrong people in and let them hurt me before I said enough? Why did I end up in some bad relationships and ignore the red flags? Am I enough for my friends and relationship?
Family Death
Recently I lost my Grandfather and it has been hard on me. He was sick and had a stroke before I moved back into campus knowing he only had a few weeks left. In my first week being back I learned that he had brain cancer which was really hard. I had no motivation to be here and I just wanted to lay in bed all day. It was in Week 2 on a Thursday I was sitting in the office working when I got the call that he died. My heart dropped. Everything that I held dear and loved felt like it was gone. This man taught me how to fish, take care of plants, play card games, and more. I can’t believe that he won’t get to see me graduate college and reach so many other milestones in my life. I have been fighting to keep myself going because one of the most important people in my life is now gone and that is not easy.
How will I keep myself together? Is he proud of me? What will I do know that he is gone? How long will I grieve for? Will I be able to keep myself together or will I crack? Did he know how much I loved him? Am I enough?
Emotions
Since being back on January 15th I feel like I have been fighting my emotions everyday. I never know how I am going to wake up feeling. I sometimes feel so numb like nothing matters and other times I am perfectly happy but it can switch so easily. I feel like I haven’t finished grieving. I feel like I keep getting hit with obstacles and people that are trying to hurt me. I just want to feel like I have control of myself again.
Will I get a handle on my emotions? Why are my emotions all over the place? When will I catch a break? Why am I have such big jumps in how I feel? Am I enough?
Will I ever stop FAKING IT and just MAKE IT?
Take a second to think before you leave. Do any of the questions or areas sit with you are they familiar? How does that make you feel? Take this time whether it be a few seconds or minutes and just have an honest moment with yourself. No one needs to know but explore your thoughts and take note of how you feel. Is there a question that you constantly ask yourself? Mine has been, Am I Enough.