University is an institution advertised as a place to explore your passions, get involved, and make new friends. But when you’re struggling with mental health issues, that is easier said than done.
As someone that struggles socially as it is, it feels like the cards are stacked against you. Especially in a school environment where part of your “success” is dependent on the interactions you have and connections you make, it can feel like the world is against you, and often, you are alone in the battle.
After some serious ups and downs, a visit to the Emergency Mental Health Unit, and a lot of doctors notes, I am finally getting help to manage my Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Adjustment Disorder (which is worth a quick Google search- to date, I’ve never met anyone who has heard of this, but it is a painfully real thing).
I’ve begun Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and started taking SSRIs, a type of antidepressant that, simply put, makes my brain chill out when I start to over-analyze everything (which it does a good portion of the time).
My experience in therapy has made me much more aware of my shortcomings and what kind of support I require of the people in my life. It has also made me more vocal about sharing my struggle, because I know there are people in a similar situation, but, like myself, don’t know why they’re feeling the way that they are. It’s for this reason that I choose to be vocal about the issue.
I would also like to note that these tips are from my experience only. Every person needs support in different ways, so there is never any harm in asking someone what support looks like for them. That being said, here are six things that people with social anxiety want you to know:
- There is a difference between being shy, introverted, and anxious.
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Although they seem similar, there is a difference between being an introvert, being shy, and being socially anxious. Introversion is a personality trait – you are born with it, and it means you refuel best by spending time alone. Shyness could be a sense of nervousness before meeting someone. Social anxiety, on the other hand, is an extreme fear that can often inhibit the person from attending, pursuing, or interacting in social situations. This fear can stop the person from pursuing relationships or passions they care about because the fear of rejection or failure is so debilitating, it makes it nearly impossible to overcome.
- We may take a little more time to open up, so please be patient.
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In my personal experience, I have found that I build walls around myself, so I take a while to open up to someone. By default, I assume that someone does not like me or doesn’t want to talk to me, so my defence mechanism is to shut this person out or not open up to them as quickly as I would like. There are some rare cases when there are people that I connect with from the beginning, but for the most part, pursuing new relationships is an extremely tiring and time-consuming endeavour. For this reason, forging friendships can take a little bit longer than usual – so please be patient. Chances are we want to be in your life, but don’t know how to go about it.
- Sometimes we’re not good at reaching out, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want you there.
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Please don’t assume that just because we didn’t carry on a conversation or look all that approachable or didn’t text you first means we don’t want to be friends. Chances are that we really do, we’re just hoping you make the first move because we live in constant fear that you will reject, judge or dislike us. For me, at least, I assume that there is always a reason someone doesn’t want to be around me. In the past three months I’ve pushed friends away because I assumed they didn’t like me, I thought I wasn’t enough for them, or they didn’t want to hang out with some dumb 19-year-old if they were older. It is so easy to trick your brain into thinking that these assumptions are realities, so just because we don’t always contact you first doesn’t mean we don’t want a relationship – often, we need the validation to know you want us in your life.
- So please keep inviting us to things – even if we keep saying no.
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Just because we don’t say yes every time-or ever-doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the thought. We know it’s tiring asking over and over again, but knowing that we are actually wanted and not just pitied really helps our self-esteem and gets us to the point where we are comfortable saying yes. Even if it is for coffee, or you’re looking for a study buddy, or even just a quick text checking in, chances are it will make us much more comfortable reaching out to you in the future.
- Some of the “help” you offer can often do the opposite.
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I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when people tell me to “just put myself out there.” Believe me, if I could, I would. A close second would have to be, “I was shy once too, but I learned to get over it. Here’s the problem. These types of issues are not something you can quickly get over. Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? Not really.
Rather than these types of sentences, it is often helpful to restructure what you say into something more constructive that makes the person feel supported. Rather than saying, “put yourself out there,” maybe rephrase it as “I know this can be hard for you-why don’t we go to [insert stressful situation] together so I can support you.” Sometimes, knowing someone wants to help makes all the difference.
- Every story is different.
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Just like anything else, no two people are the same. Someone could hide in their room all day or be a social butterfly and still struggle with anxiety. So I think that, if anything, teaches us a valuable lesson: be kind, because you never know what someone’s going through.