Mental health issues are not something new to me. In fact, they’re something I became familiar with starting at a young age. Whether I experienced these issues through family, close friends, or myself, it’s become rather clear to me that some days are worse than others. Unfortunately, for me, today is one of those bad days.
Forgetting about the difference between these two is something that often digs me into a deeper hole when I do have bad days. I experienced mental health issues when I was in elementary school and in early high school, due to issues with bullying and other self-esteem related problems I was experiencing. I was in a depressed state for about a year in grade 6 and 7 when the issues were at their most extreme. I was constantly sad and was having thoughts that an 11 year old shouldn’t have been feeling, but I was too ashamed to speak up about it and see a doctor. Instead, I spent the bad days googling and self-diagnosing.
Although I have this friend (and my sister) to thank, I also need to give myself some credit. I’ve worked hard to love myself over the years. I’ve employed healthy habits, including journaling, meditating, self-care days, taking breaks from my phone/social media, going on walks, time management skills to minimize stress, prioritizing, and just generally working on love and confidence. I had some rough times in first year for anxiety-related issues, but for the past two years, I’d say I’ve been relatively strong. I strongly believe in the mantra that the people you surround yourself with greatly influence how you feel, so I strive to be the friend that exerts positivity and optimism. All of my friends are great, and I know that a lot of them deal with mental health issues/ mental illnesses, so I try very hard to be the positive influence they need to see for themselves how great they are.
This being said, when I do have bad days, they hit hard. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t be that positive source for my friends anymore, so I tend to keep my issues in and be alone because I get afraid to put my issues on people who are dealing with their own problems. I don’t want to project my sadness onto people when I usually can’t find the words to describe why I feel a certain way. Because I’ve tried to create the image for myself as the strong friend, I’m afraid to show my weak side to my friends. I have come so far in finding self love, I don’t want anyone to think that it’s all been a facade. I like being the strong friend, and exerting positivity and optimism. So when I don’t have that, I think I just begin to feel like maybe I have no purpose as a friend.
It’s okay not to be okay. I need to start employing this into my healthy self-love mentality and routine. I’m allowed to have bad days. I’m allowed to be alone sometimes. I’m allowed to choose who I want to relay my problems onto. Bad days are inevitable, but so are good days. The bad days won’t last forever, and neither are the issues that I’m finding daunting right now. Self-love is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a journey without a solid destination. I’m bound to hit bumps along the way, maybe have to pull off and change a tire or two, but getting back on the road is something that’s going to happen. Doesn’t have to happen right away, maybe I need to walk a few miles to find a new tire, but it will happen eventually. Trust the process; we’re allowed to have bad days. It’s okay not to be okay.