Dear Anxiety,
For so many years, I tried to ignore you. I brushed you off, telling myself I was just a very fast-paced person who liked to overthink everything. I didn’t want to admit that I had you. I told myself I was just stressed and I needed to take things at a slower pace. I thought that by accepting you, I would just give you the satisfaction that you wanted. Little did I know just how wrong I was in ignoring you.
As a kid, I didn’t really understand you. I was too young to comprehend why I was always more stressed and in a worse mood than all of my friends and relatives. Thanks to you, I was always labeled as “the less sweet twin” – I was not the friendliest person to put it in a nice way, but I was by no means a bad person. Thanks to you, I’ve always been very guarded of my emotions, and it is very hard for me to open up and get close to people. For this reason, people always thought I was rude or unfriendly, when in reality, I was just scared of what could happen if I got close to someone and they hurt me. Even as a kid, you would always force your way into my mind and make me think about the future and the what-ifs. My mind was always filled with questions such as, “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I look stupid?” or “What if I’m not good enough?” I was never satisfied with my decisions, and was always looking for other peoples’ approval.
As I got older and moved to a different country, you just got worse. I was too scared, and honestly ashamed to talk about you to others, so I just kept you as my little secret. As I entered a new school, you managed to creep your way back into my life and I, once again, closed myself off from other people. For the first couple of years in this new school, you made my life very difficult. However, you went away as time passed and I started making true friends, and for a while, I thought you’d never come back.
It wasn’t until the last couple of months, that you decided to visit me again, but this time, I’m strong enough to fight you. I’ve matured enough to know that I have the power to control you, and I am capable of choosing my own path. I’m not going to lie, it was hard for me at first, but I know that you will always be present in my life and I just have to learn to live with you. I have become more confident than you, and for this, I am proud. I’m proud that for the first time in my life, I feel like I have the upper hand.
Thank you for making me the person I am today. For making me stronger, and for making me realize that I am good enough, and that I am worth much more than I thought.
Love,
Maria Antonieta