2020 sucks. It genuinely sucks for almost everybody. This year has had some positive things and revolutions, but overall each day feels more draining than the previous day. I have tried to become more open with my mental health through my article and social media, but I still get scared to hit that publish or post button. Today, October 10, 2020, is World Mental Health Day and with everything that has gone on this year. Today is a perfect time to just sit and reflect on my journey.
At the beginning of 2020, everything was normal, and I was actually kind of having a good time. But then quarantine and lockdowns happened, and time has flown too quickly. I was able to wake up at 4am to go see Harry Styles on the Today Show and somehow got tickets and into Seth Meyers that same night. After those two events, I felt energized. Now, I feel tired just from being on Zoom calls all day long. But, that fatigue is valid. Hating online school is probably one of the most popular opinions of 2020. We get so caught up in staring at screens that even watching YouTube feels like a task rather than a moment of self-care.
Since moving back home, I have tried to write inspirational quotes on my whiteboard to remind myself I am doing the best I can. The main song that has gotten me through quarantine is “Wait for It” from Hamilton: An American Musical, sung by Leslie Odom Jr. This song is the embodiment of where my mental health is. When listening to it, I have never felt more understood and seen. The parts that hit at the heartstrings go like this: “I am the one thing in life I can control, Wait for it. I am inimitable I am an original, Wait for it. I am not falling behind or running late”. This part resonates with my mind because it is so true to our society. Everyone thinks staring at a screen sometimes 10 hours a day is light work, but I feel no matter what. I am falling behind. It is like I am playing catch up in running Her Campus, my relationship, and everything. It is so freaking hard to juggle it all at once.
The second part is changed throughout the song, but the part that makes me the most emotional is: “Life doesn’t discriminate. Between the sinners and the saints. It takes, and it takes. And we keep living anyway. We rise, and we fall, and we break. We fall and make our mistakes”. That part is something that I think describes what we all feel. No matter how good our heart is, life does not care. It will rip you up and spit you out and push you to your limits. Some days when I feel so overwhelmed and tired from the same routine, this song is the only thing that makes me feel heard.
It is weird how life works out. This song was released in 2015. However, it was not in my playlist until this year. I wish I could tell high school Alysa to simply wait for the good days to come, and stop letting people push you around. I wish my future self could come to college Alysa and tell her things to get better. I hope I can just have fun. The pain does not deserve to haunt you. But that is the thing healing has no timeframe pain lingers until one day it just is vanished away.
That is the part I am still working on, waiting for the day the pain just vanishes. Until then, I do not know how the healing process really goes. I know I will have those rough days and good days. I hope I can look back at this article in a few months and just be able to say. I made it