Depression is a gradual process. And when it begins, you can’t pinpoint what it is exactly. It stems from a place of insecurity, irrational fear, and your past experiences.
You’re going to try to pin the blame on anyone but yourself.
Could it have happened because of your new boyfriend? A recurring argument with your parents? Your indecision and frustration with your classes?
However, you notice that even when things are running smoothly, you’re waiting for something to go wrong.
What you’ll eventually realize is that it’s your mind that is turning slowly against you.
Everything you love to do will become a chore and you begin to fade.
Fade as a person.
You hear a voice and it sounds oddly like your own but more cynical.
“You’re stuck like this forever.”
“You can’t do this by yourself.”
And if you’re already at an unsteady place, this WILL make you question everything you’ve come to know about yourself.
You begin to forget and disregard your own voice; what you truly want and believe.
She’s now muffled in the background.
But the absolute worst decision that you can make is to stop fighting for her and believe that you won’t feel true happiness again.
I know because that’s what I’ve experienced.
I have gratitude and love for everyone in my life but I felt like I couldn’t access any of my joy.
Keep in mind that you won’t be able to fool anyone by trying to hide it.
Everyone notices the small changes.
You don’t laugh or smile as much. Your eyes dim a bit, the light starts to fade as you do.
You are reflecting how you feel.
There’s a defining moment for everyone on this journey.
You discover that the mentality that almost overcomes you will eat away at you,
if and only if you allow it to.
The moment you realize that you inadvertently pushed those you love away, including the part of you that is fighting to rediscover her peace.
You need to see that the past few months, even a year, isn’t an accurate reflection of who you want to become. There is still another lifetime worth of experience to uncover.
The decision you must make is to keep going. Challenge these thoughts. Because this is not a new normal and you should not accept it as such. The moment you have and maintain full control of your mind, nothing in this world will ever overtake you again.