What do I wish I knew? The list is endless. The mistakes have piled up over the years. I’ve felt pain, and I’ve caused pain. I’ve made bad decisions, jeopardized my well being. It does no good to dwell, but knowing now is comfort — that I maybe won’t make that mistake again, or allow that person to hurt me anymore. I wish I knew how to express my feelings like I’m doing now.
What do I wish I knew before I went to high school? I wish I knew that I was noticed. I spent so much of my high school career desperately trying to feel noticed because I didn’t think I was important. I thought I was replaceable, so I needed to make my presence known. I wish I knew my value, instead of trying to find it. I wish I relied on my own assurances and not the assurances of others.
What do I wish I knew before my first school dance? I wish I knew to enjoy it. I spent so much time in high school intimidated by those with more privilege than me that I never allowed myself to have as much fun as my classmates. I thought because I couldn’t afford the glitz and ceremony that I just wasn’t meant to make the same memories as my peers that could. I wish I knew that I was allowed to enjoy the same things that my peers enjoyed.
What do I wish I knew before my first relationship? I wish I knew that my self worth is not dictated by my relationships. That I can’t control other people’s actions. For years, my life was who I associated with. I wasn’t confident enough in my own presence, so I needed assurance that my presence was appreciated. That I was worth enough to care about. I wish I knew that loving myself is more important than searching for it from others.
What do I wish I knew before failing my first test? I wish I knew it wouldn’t matter. I got where I needed to be. Being in high school is stressful. Having anxiety and being in high school is more stressful. Tests and grades damaged my mental health so badly that it took a long time to recover. But I wish I knew that despite that, despite the failed tests and bad grades, that I would end up exactly where I was supposed to be. I wish I knew that my intelligence and value were not determined by a test score.
What do I wish I knew before applying to college? I wish I knew to keep my head down. By the time I was applying for college, I was severely depressed. I only applied to two schools. At my high school, college is everything. It’s competitive, there’s gossip, and there is definitely a complex. I needed to not pay attention. I needed to not let the complexes get to me and make me feel inadequate. Because at the end of the day, I ended up where I belong, with an education I am excited about and friends I love with all of my being. I wish I knew to ignore the hype and be happy with my decisions.
What do I wish I knew before finishing my first year at college? I wish I knew that I am not the only one who struggles. As my mental health got better and then started to worsen, I wondered what was going on. I was unsure, and I was afraid that I was going to fall behind. But a lot of people deal with the same kind of struggles in college. Life happens. Health happens. I wish I knew that I was not alone.
What do I wish I knew before I entered my second year? I wish I knew that talking about mental health is important. This year was the year that I finally admitted to myself that something was wrong and had been for years. And this was the year that I sought help. Getting a diagnosis and being supplied with ways to help myself has made me a stronger person, and I wish I could have known I had it in me. I felt so helpless for so long, and I felt so broken. Talking about my struggles has been one of the biggest weights lifted off of my shoulders. I wish I knew that I was not a lost cause.
Lastly, what do I wish I knew before I turned twenty, the introduction to my true adult life? I wish I knew that I would finally be okay with who I am. I spent so long hiding from those who I was afraid wouldn’t be. And even if they still don’t, that’s okay. I know now that my struggles make me stronger, and pretending to be something else is too hard. I know now what I deserve, and refuse to let others treat me with anything less. I hope to go on using what I wish I knew before to help light the way forward.
But all along that light was me.
And THAT is what I wish I knew.