Recently, I found myself in a situation wanting to apologize, but I couldn’t figure out what to apologize for. Why? I didn’t have anything to apologize for. I had just gotten singled out and yelled at by a guy in the middle of a meeting, and I wanted to apologize. Later, when I said to my friend, “Maybe I should say sorry,” they said, “What for? You just want to say sorry because you got yelled at.” That statement made me think…how often do I automatically respond with “I’m sorry?”
It starts with little things that build up over time. Trying to get past someone and saying “I’m sorry” instead of “excuse me.” Not being able to go somewhere and saying, “I’m sorry I have homework” instead of, “Thanks for the invite but I have homework.” You are NOT sorry! Stop saying sorry when there’s nothing to be sorry for. If you say it every time in these little instances, you’ll end up saying it when you should stand up for yourself. You can demonstrate empathy without taking the blame!
This being said, there is nothing wrong with owning up to your mistakes and apologizing. However, an “I’m sorry” probably won’t do the trick anyways, so ditch that phrase and find your own words to make amends. In general, other phrases can often replace “I’m sorry” such as “thank you” or “excuse me.”
The importance of not using the phrase goes beyond the concept of making you seem weak. Saying it as an instant response creates a larger problem. Going back to my recent situation, if I had apologized, it would’ve justified me being singled out in a hurtful way. Instead, I stood up for myself saying that was inappropriate and would’ve been a more constructive conversation in a different setting. This allowed each party to get an understanding of each other’s perspective in the situation. Not being sorry is about learning when you’re in the wrong and when you need to speak up.
Next time you find yourself questioning if you should say your sorry, take a step back and ask yourself a few questions:
- What are you apologizing for?
- Did you hurt someone else? Is it your fault?
- What phrase can I replace “I’m sorry” with?
By taking “I’m sorry” out of my vocabulary, I’m able to feel more confident and have more productive conversations, and I’m NOT sorry for that.