I remember smelling warm chocolate chip cookies in the oven
But I couldn’t eat any;
I knew if I ate one, then I wouldn’t be able to stop.
After I ate the cookies,
I ran in continuous circles until every calorie disappeared.
And after that, I fell,
But eight seconds later I got up
And I was proud,
The kind of proud where I can’t stop smiling.
I was a black hole that I made myself transform into,
And I wasn’t scared because
I knew that eventually I’d be
A tiny black hole, and people would like me more,
And guys would like me more,
And I would like me more,
That was why looking back,
I was convinced I was doing the right thing.
I don’t starve anymore,
but one hit of the chocolate,
And it’s like I’m there all over again.
I’m staring in the mirror,
Becoming the mirror.
I’m a shapeshifter.
And I see myself as the giant shard of glass on my wall.
My view of myself is like the backward letters that show up in the glass.
I destroyed the mirror one night.
I got angry and threw a rock at it,
And it’s still cracked.
Am I still the mirror?
I’ve just realized,
After smelling the chocolate,
That this is the first time I’ve ever
Acknowledged my anorexia.
And now I can’t help but wonder
why that is.