Trigger Warning: Discussions of SA, rape, PTSD, SA aftermath, brief discussion of abuse
As a woman who has struggled with depression and self-worth most of my life, I do wish that I could’ve found a good therapist earlier. However, I don’t believe that healing that aspect of my life earlier could’ve prevented anything. Unfortunately, in our current society, I’ve found that a lot of people, regardless of gender, experience sexual assault, harrassment, and even rape. I am sharing my story to try to shine light on the various resources that are there in the event that you or someone you know experience something similar.
I’ll start with my story. It starts back in the fall 2019. I was a freshman at Michigan State University, and I was full of excitement about all of the new opportunities I was about to experience. I came into college with a lot of misconceptions about how a relationship was supposed to look as I hadn’t had much experience with relationships during high school. I started college involved in a complex relationship where I was experiencing emotional abuse, physical abuse, and overall manipulation. I felt trapped in the cycle of abuse for quite some time, until I finally broke things off with him.
Unfortunately, just because I ended things with my ex, that didn’t end my expectations for violence directed at me. After the breakup, I fell into a cycle of attempting to regain ownership of my body by engaging in mainly sexual relationships. These relationships started through Tinder, and didn’t last longer than a couple weeks. I recognize now that I was seeking out things in these relationships that I was never going to find in someone else.
I needed therapy and I needed to heal my traumas on my own, without the weight of someone else’s expectations of me. One of the people I matched with on Tinder seemed like a decent guy at first. We messaged each other for a week or so, before deciding to finally meet. He and I decided that we were going to pursue a sexual encounter at my dorm one night. It started off consensually, but progressed into territory that I was very uncomfortable with. I made my uncomfortability verbally known, but he continued. I don’t actively remember a lot about that night, but I do remember feeling completely detached from my body. He continued until he finished, even pausing at one point to get his phone out to record me, and then he left.
I fell into a deep depression afterwards. I felt so hollow and victim-blamed myself for what had happened. I didn’t believe that things were ever going to get better, and that I was doomed to only have negative sexual relationships. Despite what happened, I was so lucky to have the friends I did. I was able to reach out to MSU’s Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS) and was paired up with a wonderful therapist through the Center for Survivors. I didn’t feel comfortable reporting at the time of my rape due to a number of factors, which added to my guilt and shame, but I did end up reporting the incident to the MSU Department of Police and Public Safety, where I was then referred to MSU’s Office of Institutional Equity (OIE).
Two years later was when I finally felt ready to report what happened to me, I was unable to becausethere was no evidence recorded or reported at the time the assault occurred. ThereforeI was unable to further my initial report through the police department. But since it happened on campus and was between myself and another MSU student, I was able to file a report through OIE. I was given a wonderful survivor advocate, and was paired up with an amazing team of women to help me through the reporting and hearing process. OIE’s process for reporting anything under Title IX and Relationship Violence and Sexual Misconduct (RVSM) is to start by giving the survivor their options regarding how they want to proceed. In my case, I wanted some sort of justice for what happened to me, so I went forward with filing a claim and started the hearing process. I won’t BS anyone; the entire process was emotionally taxing and took about 9 months from my initial report to police to OIE’s final resolution. Thankfully, my advocate and my claimant advisor were so supportive and respectful through the entire process. The final resolution given to me was that my rapist was banned from MSU’s campus for 3 years, and there was going to be a meeting to determine if he was to be banned from any further education at MSU. During the process, I didn’t have to see or contact my rapist whatsoever, and any Zoom calls made for pre-hearing or hearing purposes I was given the option to leave the room. I feel very lucky to know that MSU had my back, and I can only hope that survivors everywhere are able to get the support they deserve.
At Michigan State, we are lucky enough to have free access to counseling services through CAPS and the Center for Survivors, as well as other free resources that may help with mental health issues. The Center for Survivors offers many resources aside from one-on-one therapy. They offer group therapy, advocacy services, yoga, meditation, and so much more. I would highly recommend researching similar resources located near you in the event anything ever happens. Just stay informed about any resources given by your university at all; you never know when you or someone around you may need them. I also recommend being a listening ear if someone feels comfortable sharing their story. Don’t ask questions unless they want you to, don’t tell them what to do or what you’d do in their shoes as that may lead them to feel conflicted about what to do, and if you know the person who did that to them just cut them off. Another recommendation is to put your foot down if you hear someone making rape jokes. Do not be a bystander. That is the one thing everyone can work on, in my opinion. The better we are as a society at calling out people on their bullshit, the better our society will be. All in all, it is horrible to live with the shame and regret I had after my rape happened, but I am thankful for all the wisdom I gained through my experience and am hopeful that my story can help someone.