I’m usually the loud one in the room. At some point, though, it became unbearable to realize that this is who I am and that I’ve spent so long trying to dilute it. Especially because I was always friends with the mysterious, quiet personalities. The ones everyone adored. The ones that seemed to embody what a girl should be.
The reality is, I have a loud voice. I have even louder thoughts. And I happen to take up space; physically, emotionally, energetically. I wouldn’t say any of these traits are inherently bad. In some societies, they might even be admirable. But the combination? It feels drastic. Unwanted. Too much.
2025 ended with a few questions looping in my mind:
Why don’t I feel fulfilled?
Why haven’t I figured myself out?
Why do I still feel like I’m not living my life to the fullest?
I could blame world circumstances, timing, or phases of life. But the truth is simpler and harder to admit. I became scared of myself. More specifically, I became scared of my personality.
Because I don’t fit the clean girl aesthetic, or the gym girl aesthetic, or whatever aesthetic is trending this week, it started to feel like my personality itself made me an outcast. As if being loud, expressive, colorful, and visible automatically disqualified me from belonging.
Even when you accept who you are, your personality still has to be accepted by the people around you. And when those people subtly or not so subtly suggest that what you are is “too much,” it’s easy to internalize that as truth. At least, that’s how the mind works.
What I’ve realized is that I’ve been fighting relentlessly to suppress the real me.
The girl who laughs the loudest in the room.
The girl who loves flashy clothes and bright colors.
The girl who enjoys being seen, being heard, being felt.
That isn’t a flaw. It’s just who I am.
The reason I haven’t “figured myself out” is that I’ve been trying to force myself into spaces that were never built for me. I keep fighting to fit into a society that may never fully accept me anyway. So why am I exhausting myself trying to squeeze in when I could be creating my own space and finding people who already belong there?
This year, I refuse to rearrange myself for anyone else’s comfort.
I will not feel too much.
I will not feel too little.
I will let my body, my instincts, and my joy lead.
There’s a quiet self-censoring that happens when you’re constantly trying to be palatable. I noticed it the other day when I wanted to talk passionately about something I love. I stopped myself. Being “too talkative” is labeled annoying, and I’ve worn that label long enough to police myself without anyone asking.
Even my friend noticed and asked what was wrong. But how do you admit, I’m afraid you think I’m annoying because I talk too much, but I really want to talk too much?
Here’s the truth: if my friends truly love me, they accept that I talk a lot. They understand that it comes with the package. And if I would never try to shrink who they are for my comfort, why am I so willing to do that to myself for theirs?
Having dreams, having a personality, doing things differently, being you without overthinking — these are freedoms only a few people experience fully and I want that life.
I want to create content without second-guessing myself.
I want to build relationships without worrying if I’m “cool enough.”
I want to go places alone, make friends, exist freely without obsessing over whether I look lonely, weird, out of place, or too dark-skinned for the room I’m in.
I want to be how I feel, not how it will look to others.
No matter how cool I try to appear, the weight of invalidated feelings lingers far longer than the fleeting approval of strangers. I would rather enjoy myself fully than spend another moment withholding joy for the sake of being digestible.
Your personality is not a problem to solve. It is the sum of your thoughts, emotions, actions, and expressions. You don’t need to fit a predefined role to feel like yourself. You only need to stay close to who you are because that’s how you do right by yourself.
And this year, I finally chose to do that.