Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to plans you don’t want to attend, taking on extra work you can’t handle, or constantly bending over backward to keep others happy? If so, you might be caught in a cycle of people-pleasing. The habit could be developed from fears of disappointing your friends, loved ones, and mentors. It could also come from the need for validation or trying to avoid conflict. Although being kind and ‘taking one for the team’ isn’t of bad character. Not being able to prioritize yourself and worrying about others at your own expense can often lead to burnout. Learning to be able to say “no” is not selfish, but it is instead valuing your time and energy. So how do you prioritize yourself and stop people-pleasing? Let’s dive in.
Step 1: Ask yourself: “Am I a People-Pleaser?”
The first step of any change is being aware. Many times people-pleasers experience some sort of anxiety saying “no” or a feeling of guilt could overcome when thinking about prioritizing themselves. This can cause you to overextend yourself to avoid disappointing the people around you.
Ask yourself:
Do I agree to things I don’t want to do out of fear of conflict?
Do I put others’ needs before my own?
Recognizing these patterns is critical to be able to set your boundaries.
Step 2: Saying “no” does not make you a bad person.
You are not selfish or mean because you want to spend time alone, it makes you self-aware. Keeping in mind that saying “no” does not mean you don’t care about the other person. It means that you’re prioritizing your own time and energy. Instead of viewing “no” as rejection, see it as self-care. One way to ease into it is by using softer but firm responses, some examples are:
“I really appreciate the invite, but I need some time to rest.”
“I’d love to help, but I have too much on my plate right now.”
“That sounds great, but I can’t commit to it at the moment.”
Step 3: Set Boundaries
Being able to set boundaries is important in mental and emotional preservation. When trying not to please people-please, you need to clearly define what you are comfortable with and communicate it confidently. It could be limiting how much extra work you take on or how often you’re available to your friends. Being able to set aside alone time and committing to your boundaries can prevent burnout. The secret to this is consistency; you may receive some push back in the beginning, but in the end people will come to respect your limits.
Step 4: Self-Compassion
Being able to stop people-pleasing is difficult. You may struggle with guilt at first, but you have to remind yourself: prioritizing you and your well-being, never means betraying others. It is self-care. Practicing self-compassion could be celebrating those small moments. Whether it’s saying “no” to one thing that doesn’t serve you or setting aside time for yourself without feeling guilty. The more you are consistent with placing yourself first, the easier it becomes.
Step 5: Surround Yourself with a Support System
The company you keep can influence your ability to prioritize yourself. If you’re surrounded by people who take advantage of your kindness, it might be time to reassess those relationships. Seek out friends and mentors who respect your boundaries, encourage your growth, and remind you that your needs matter, too.
Learning to say “no” and prioritizing yourself is a process, but the rewards are well worth it. You’ll feel more empowered, less stressed, and more in control of your own life. It’s okay to care for others, but never at the expense of your well-being. Start small, stay consistent, and remind yourself that your time, energy, and happiness are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Change is hard, but once you embrace it, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner!