I Lost Myself

I honestly never thought this would happen to me. Ever since freshman year of college, I was very positive about what I wanted to do after I graduate and more importantly, who I was as a person. I felt very strongly about my passions outside of music, and was always looking forward into doing those activities when the day was done. 

I lost that spark. I like to believe it coincided with being in my long term relationship of a little over a year and getting lost in my studies. During that time frame, I wasn’t necessarily focused on myself, but focused on us, along with my classwork and other organizations. This is when I stopped doing the things I loved so much, like being crafty, writing arrangements and making YouTube videos. One reason was that I didn’t have time.Being in both Instrumental Music Methods and Music History in the same semester while also in the marching band and other ensembles left me with little to no downtime. I barely had time to breathe or practice outside of ensembles. 

This stress of having to do twenty million things and maintain a steady relationship took a toll on who I was as a person. During freshman and sophomore year, I often found myself having downtime and I used every second of it. I would explore caves in Minecraft, make a new song arrangement, film a funny informational video for my YouTube channel, craft bracelets, or completely veg out and have a movie night with friends. As a junior and now a senior, downtime is no longer a concept and when I do get a trace amount of it at the end of the day, I’m baffled. What am I supposed to do with this time? It feels like every second I’m awake, it must be spent doing something to help with my classes, future career or long term projects like my honors capstone or plans for after graduation. Whenever I do push myself out of that mindset, I often just veg out and watch YouTube or The Office on repeat, not really doing anything for myself besides giving my brain a chance to recuperate. 

I didn’t realize I lost who I was until the tail end of summer break going into senior year. At this time, I was stressed about all the things I didn’t get done over the summer regarding my senior recital and capstone, and it was at that point when I realized how unhappy I was in my relationship. One of the biggest reasons I wasn’t satisfied anymore was that I lost my drive to do anything I loved to do. I was so devoted on making him the priority and what he wanted to do, but we never did stuff that I loved to do. 

Halfway through my fall semester, I still don’t know who I am, and that’s okay. Our brains and bodies need a break every now and then, and when I get a break, I need to listen to what my body needs. Do I need sleep? Do I just need a moment to relax and enjoy the moment? All in all, I know that I’ll find myself. I just need to give myself more time.