It’s been over a year since COVID-19 has been declared a pandemic and sometimes, it feels surreal that I’m in the month of March again, a year later.
When COVID-19 hit the world, I was just enjoying my time in spring semester of my freshman year. I was finally feeling like I was belonging to a major I enjoyed, as I switched from biology to professional writing. I got myself a strawberry smoothie from the library’s Book and Brew and headed off to my Mini Cooper to go home for spring break, blissfully unaware that that would be the last time I would have that smoothie.
I went out of town for spring break with my family and then news of a disease began to emerge. Then spring break was extended another week. Then I found out we couldn’t go back and we had to collect our belongings and get out.
The rest of the semester, I felt like I went backwards. I was more focused on getting assignments done than what I was learning, even if only one of my classes were relevant to my major.
I did not have any Zoom classes that spring semester. It felt like my professors abandoned me. Sure, I could visit their office hours if need be, but I wasn’t engaging with anyone besides my parents and keeping up with friends online. It was truly isolating. I turned to a Minecraft server to cope and gain human interaction, which helped. Eventually, I learned to cope like everyone else did.
I stayed home fall of 2020, where I would finally have Zoom classes and truly be a part of Zoom University.
Normally, I never speak in class. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been horribly shy and anxious about speaking. I feel part of it has to do with bad experiences with teachers in my K-12 education. I had a math teacher in seventh grade who would call you up to the white board and if you didn’t know the answer, he would get upset with you. He was also the type of teacher who enjoyed yelling for no discernable reason. I think he got a lot of complaints because I had him again in eighth grade, but he chilled out and never did those things again. Still, the stage was set for me. My voice wouldn’t let me speak. My hands would shake and my heart would thud in my head every time I even thought about participating. This anxiety ruled over me for years.
With Zoom classes, I still didn’t speak much in certain classes in the fall. My saving graces were my creative writing class and my journalism class. I had kind teachers who were genuinely interested in students’ learning and engagement and I feel like it finally helped me find my voice. I decided enough was enough. I have stayed silent for years. Now I want to be an active member of the class.
These Zoom classes helped so much with my confidence to speak in class. I couldn’t see everyone in the class as many people would have their cameras off, and while Zoom classes can feel disconnected from human interaction, I think it really helped me to know that nobody would make fun of me or care much about somebody participating—because I’ve actually had people make fun of me before, in that same math class too!
This might not seem like a huge deal to a lot of people, but it means so much to me. I am someone who is genuinely interested in learning; my anxiety in classrooms would just prevent me from speaking up and being an active member of the class. As a writing major, we often do workshops and discuss writing material, so engagement matters.
Now, I have classes I talk in. Amazingly, I have a class right now where it doesn’t stir up my anxiety at all! Others, I’ll still feel that thud in my heart and the tremors in my hands coming on, but it’s more subdued. I know that my engagement is appreciated by professors, especially now, and I don’t plan on letting the anxiety stop me anymore.