There are a lot of jobs I wish existed. Not useful jobs, necessarily. Not jobs that would contribute significantly to the economy or solve climate change or revolutionise healthcare. I mean genuinely ridiculous jobs. Jobs that would make people pause when you tell them what you do for a living and ask, “Wait, they pay you for that?”
And honestly, my dream job would be to be a Professional Vibe Checker.
Not in the metaphorical sense. I mean an actual, salaried professional whose job is to enter situations, look around for approximately thirty seconds, and determine whether the vibe is good, bad, awkward, suspicious, or so catastrophically uncomfortable that everyone involved should go home.
I think society desperately needs me.
Imagine this: you’re about to go on a first date. Before you sit down, I arrive. I observe the body language. I look at how they talk to the waiter. I notice whether they say “actually, I’m kind of a brutally honest person,” within the first ten minutes. I take notes. Then, halfway through the date, I discreetly appear behind a plant and give you either a thumbs-up, a thumbs-down, or the internationally recognized gesture for get out of there immediately.
People would save years of their lives.
Or imagine being invited to a party where you know absolutely nobody. You arrive, stand awkwardly near the door, pretend to text someone, and immediately regret coming. This is where I would enter. As a Professional Vibe Checker, I would assess the situation and provide an honest report.
Music: Weirdly loud.
Food: Three bowls of chips and disappointment.
People: Already divided into friend groups.
One guy: Has brought a guitar.
Overall vibe: Leave.
Alternatively, I might tell you to stay because there is one person in the corner who looks equally uncomfortable and will probably become your best friend.
I genuinely think I have the qualifications for this job because I spend a concerning amount of time analyzing vibes already. I can walk into a room and immediately know if two people have argued. I can tell when someone says, “No, I’m fine,” but they are very clearly not fine. I know when a group conversation has suddenly become awkward because someone mentioned something they absolutely should not have mentioned.
These are skills. They should be on LinkedIn – Professional Vibe Checker | 3+ years of overthinking social interactions | Specializing in awkward silences and suspicious energy.
But I don’t think the job should stop at parties and dates. I want to be hired by universities too.
Every college campus needs a Professional Vibe Checker.
For example, before an 8 a.m. class, I could stand outside and tell everyone whether attending is emotionally worth it.
“Professor is taking attendance.”
Everyone goes inside.
“Professor has cancelled class but forgot to send the email.”
Everyone goes back to bed.
“Professor is in a surprisingly good mood today.”
Immediate panic. Nobody trusts it.
There could be an entire department dedicated to this. I would be Head of Vibes, my team and I would investigate suspicious situations across campus. Why is everyone suddenly sitting in the same person’s room? Why are six people awake at 4 a.m.? Why has someone brought a suitcase full of food into the common room? Why is there a group of students walking to H&C at exactly 5 a.m. looking like they have escaped from somewhere?
Our official answer would usually be: the vibe demanded it.
I also think Professional Vibe Checkers should have the authority to stop people from making embarrassing decisions.
Someone wants to send a risky text at 2 a.m.? Denied.
Someone wants to cut their own bangs during an emotional crisis? Absolutely not.
Someone says, “I have a feeling this is going to be a good idea”? I would need to investigate further.
Of course, there would be difficult days too. Not every vibe is easy to assess. Sometimes a room has good people, good food, good music, and yet something feels deeply wrong. Those would be the most challenging cases. I would probably have to sit in silence for a while, drink Diet Coke, and consult my instincts.
Because being a Professional Vibe Checker isn’t just about judging situations. It’s about understanding the strange, invisible things that make people comfortable. The things that can’t really be measured.
Maybe that’s why I wish this ridiculous job existed. Underneath the joke, I think there is something I genuinely love about paying attention to how spaces and people make us feel. Sometimes, the most important thing about a place isn’t what is happening there. It’s how you feel when you’re there.
And until someone creates a formal degree in Vibe Analysis and Social Atmosphere Management, I will continue doing the job for free. Unofficially, of course. Poorly paid, and highly opinionated. And always available to tell you whether the vibe is off.