The darkness radiated around me, and my blankets smothered me in a way that should have been comforting, but no matter how much I tossed, turned, and contorted my body into new positions, I could not feel comfortable. I tried to absorb the darkness and feel the numbness of silence and despite these efforts, my mind could not go still. Everything around me—except the changing minutes on the microwave clock—seemed static. Even as I tried to replicate this stillness in my own body, pushing myself to remain in the same position for at least the next ten minutes, my mind remained active. I begged sleep to come. I waited until I felt its presence, but as soon as one is conscious of sleep’s tiptoeing entrance, it retreats farther away. My unheard calls for sleep remained ignored, unanswered, and shuffled under the blanket of incoming thoughts. In the darkness behind my eyelids, my thoughts darted quickly and new ones arose and fled just as fast. This sporadic yet continuous rush of thoughts inhibited my ability to fall asleep.
This anecdote describes the nearly sleepless nights that passed in my first week of the second semester. Before I continue, I would like to make clear that this was neither a case of diagnosable insomnia or anxiety, but rather a minor issue that I experienced, and I was able to learn from it. I want to share the general takeaways that may serve as tips to help eliminate added stress and promote mindful living. I do not, however, mean to equate my meager experiences with legitimate emotional disorders.
As the week progressed, I began to reflect on why I could not silence my thoughts during the evening hours. Ultimately, I concluded that the roots of my mild insomnia lay grounded in an unhealthy mindset solely focused on productivity. Break shuffled in a string of weeks away from campus. Away from textbooks. Away from deadlines. Away from assignment books and syllabi. When all of these things came bounding back, my over-zealous and “type-A” personality beamed. I felt giddy, syllabi in hand, filling in all of my assignments for the semester and etching out daily plans that would optimize productivity so that I could work ahead. While all of this is good and fine in the short term, I found that I was constantly perseverating on my schedules and what next assignment should occupy my time.
This mindset most directly crept into my pillow at night because it had no “off” button. Just as I had done during the day, my mind continued to plan and organize after the lights were turned off. I found myself in the still darkness surrounded by thoughts of the day to come—what I would do, how long I would do it. The next day’s schedule replayed under my eyelids multiple times in a row. I was trapped into the productive mindset.
Moreover, these consuming thoughts skirt around and silence the other thoughts that would have normally filled the mind’s void. These “other” thoughts are contradictory superfluous yet necessary. They are mindless, selfish thoughts that come when nothing else begs for attention. However, I found that when they are ignored in the moment, they find an alternate time to resurface. When tossing around at night, seemingly random reactions to the day’s events coupled with self-reflective thoughts entered in bursts.
From reflecting on this experience and the type of thoughts that entered my mind, I ultimately concluded with one simple solution. I would recommend that everyone dedicate periodic times during the day in which you can let your mind escape from the campus’ inherent productive atmosphere and embrace the emotional mind.
Image Credit: Etsy, Pecsma