Have you been that one friend that is left out of conversations, group chats, or hang outs? Me too…and unfortunately, I know it all too well. It is a terrible feeling/situation and no one deserves that kind of treatment, and a lot of the time, you are left feeling like you are the problem (which sucks). Friendships are meant to be comforting and you should feel like you belong. The feeling of being left out is isolating, and painful, and often leads to you questioning your worth and your friendships.
In this article, we will discuss why you may be feeling left out, how to cope, and what you can do to mend the friendships or move on. Whether you are dealing with straight up exclusion or a small social shift, there are ways to work out these feelings and we are going to talk about it.
Why do we feel left out?
The feeling of being left out is NOT just in your head; it is an experience that is related to the need of connection. Most people thrive in social groups, whether it be large or small, and we sense when we are being pushed out of that group. Usually causing feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Here are a few reasons why you may be feeling this way.
- Evolving Friendships: Obviously people evolve and change, and sometimes that causes the dynamic of a friendship to change. New connections form, interests change, or a persons circumstances change which can pull someone to a different path than you.
- Unintentional Exclusion: Maybe your friends aren’t doing this purposely. They may not realize how their actions are making you feel, or they think that you are uninterested or busy, but that doesn’t make up for it. I always tell people to never assume because it can lead to another person feeling like this.
- Conflict or Miscommunication: If you and your friend(s) recently had an argument or disagreement, that could be causing this feeling of being left out. This can lead to distance in friendships, even if it was unintentional. Maybe a conversation with that friend could solve the problem you are having.
Whatever the reason is, feeling this way is always painful, but understanding why is the first step to deal with it.
How to cope with this feeling?
Feeling left out can end up making you spiral into a hole of insecurity and sadness, but there are ways to cope with these emotions. Here is what you can do!
- Acknowledge the way you are feeling: It is 100% okay to be upset about feeling left out. Instead of ignoring your feelings, you should allow yourself to process and maybe talk to someone you trust about it. Processing your feelings can really help you work through that hurt you may be experiencing.
- Avoid blaming yourself: When you are feeling excluded, it is easy to think that you are the problem. Friendships are not one-sided, and are complex. Instead of blaming yourself, remind yourself of this and remember that it does not define who are you.
- Honest communication: If you feel comfortable, talk to your friend(s) that are making you feel this way about how you are feeling. A quick “Hey, I have been feeling really excluded recently. Is everything okay with us?” can open that conversation and give you a little bit of peace.
Mend or move on?
Sometimes feeling excluded is just your friendship hitting a rough patch that can be fixed with communication. Other times, it may be a sign that the friendship has run its course. So should you mend or move on?
- Mend it: If the exclusion seems unintentional. If there hasn’t been a big conflict, just distance. If your friend(s) respond positively when you communicate your feelings with them.
- Move on: If you are consistently feeling left out and it seems intentional. If your attempts to communicate are dismissed or ignored. If you feel like you are forcing your way into the friendship.
Being excluded in a friend group is painful, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of a good connection. Friendships should make you feel valued, not like you are at the invisible seat at the table. If you are feeling excluded, take a step back and reflect on the friendship, and surround yourself with people who appreciate and love you.