It goes without saying that friendships are some of the most meaningful connections of our lives. It’s been interesting to observe that over the years, I’ve inadvertently been labelled with certain friendship roles based on the type of person I am. I’ve been called “responsible”, the “mom of the group”, or sometimes even the “cheerful” one (although this is up for debate). However, the title that sticks out to me the most is that of the “therapist” friend.
This is the friend that everyone turns to during their time of need – the one who listens patiently to endless rants, drops everything at hand to offer comfort even over the smallest troubles, and the one that everyone wants advice from because they seem to know exactly what to do at all times. Sound familiar? At first glance, this truly feels like the perfect dynamic for a lot of us. But have you ever stopped to consider this from the therapist friend’s perspective?
WHEN SUPPORT TURNS INTO EXHAUSTION
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for hearing your friends out and supporting them emotionally. I consult my friends for every little thing, from career advice to navigating boy problems because I trust their judgement. But how far is too far, and where do you draw the line amongst the chaos of heavy feelings and blurry emotions?
From the perspective of a person who’s frequently been in this position, it can get exhausting very quickly. Having a close-knit friendship where you feel comfortable telling each other everything is very important, but if one person is expected to shoulder the heavy emotional baggage of others, dealing with it all at once can push them beyond their limits. Sometimes we fail to realise that at the end of the day, the therapist friend is just one of us and not a professional who is equipped to navigate these issues.
I love being there for my friends, I truly do. But how do I deal with the suffocating guilt of not being able to help them when they are in need? But it’s important to remember that this support goes both ways, and there’s a fine line between being a good friend versus being someone’s therapist. People often do not realise the amount of stress the therapist friend is under. They have their own lives and problems apart from being an outlet for your problems.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
The worst part is when the therapist friend seeks help and advice, and is not given the same grace in return. When I was going through a tough time and asked a close friend for support after months of being there for her, I was ghosted. She said that it would drain her too much and that since she and I were both in emotionally rocky places, it’s best that I kept my issues to myself as they would stress her out.
This stung me, as it was the first time I had asked for any sort of support after listening to hours of her venting about her problems, even when I was not necessarily in the right headspace to deal with it. I felt really used as she viewed me as not a close friend, but rather as an outlet to air out her issues. This served as a harsh wake up call for me to start setting boundaries. Although communicating this often comes across as being rude, it’s important for you to prioritise your own mental health and needs because no one else will do it for you.
What helped me was setting clear schedules for when I could talk about certain topics with my friends. I usually avoided deep conversations during busy days, exams and other important events and would instead suggest alternate times where we could discuss our problems. I ensured this approach worked both ways – my friends also set similar boundaries, and we always checked in with each other before diving into our conversations.
FINAL THOUGHTS
If the “therapist friend” trope sounds exactly like what’s going on in your life, maybe it’s time to take a step back and evaluate how you engage in these relationships. And if you are the person that’s been constantly venting to someone, consider the length and intensity of these conversations and the effect it might be having on the other person.
Good friendships are reciprocal, and you must be mindful of the other person’s wellbeing as well as other pressures in life. If you find yourself constantly supporting them but not receiving the same emotional care in return, ask yourself if this is a balanced dynamic you enjoy being a part of. If not, you know what to do! It’s better to lose a few friendships that don’t value you, than to lose yourself in the process. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do to ensure your long-term wellbeing.
