As part of Her Campus Exeter’s Mental & Physical Health Awareness Campaign we will be exploring the dangers of Suicide, Depression and Anxiety. This campaign hopes to raise awareness of mental & physical illnesses within the student population and break the misconception that if you can’t see it then it’s not there.
Unlike most physical illnesses, issues like Depression and Anxiety are often not stand-alone problems but rather a myriad of different causes and effects, which culminate to have a profound effect on our general mental health.
But what is Mental Health and how can we keep it in check? We can’t just go to our GP and ask them to check if our mental faculties are all there. Yes, they advise you, they can get you to fill in mood questionnaires but it’s not like going to the GP for a cervical smear or the opticians for an eye test. It’s something which is a lot more complicated, not only because mental illnesses are often undetectable and easy to hide but also because when lots of things are wrong there is rarely just one solution. So for HCX’s Mental Health awareness Campaign I thought it would be better to try and explain the bigger picture and hopefully by sharing my experience I can inch a bit closer, if only a little, to breaking the stigma surrounding mental health…
My battle with depression started when I was 17. I had been depressed for about a year but I refused to admit it to myself. I kept going to get my thyroid checked and my iron levels measured. I was so exhausted and devoid of energy that at one point I could barely even make it up the stairs. I’d had quite a difficult year since my mum had been ill with a brain tumour and my grandma had been diagnosed with dementia but instead of talking to people about how I felt about this I just kept it all to myself and this increasing burden just fed the depression. I took a few weeks off school, just complaining of general tiredness and then eventually I managed to go back but it wasn’t long before it all caught up with me again. I was in lower sixth and once a week we had to go to a typing class in town. To get there I had to walk by a river and on one occasion I thought about jumping in but then I thought quite matter of factly “no my uniform would get dirty” so I didn’t bother.
On another occasion, I was standing at the top of a tall spiral staircase in school and seriously contemplating jumping. I was just staring and staring at the tall drop, imagining what it would be like to hit the cold tiled floor below before I burst into tears. A teacher saw me and coaxed me into a room to talk to her and eventually I told her some of what was wrong. She encouraged me to go to the school counsellor. I did and I mentioned to him that I’d been having suicidal thoughts but after only one session I convinced myself that I was fine and since I was so busy doing my A-levels I couldn’t afford to get out of class once a week. Then I hit rock bottom.
One day in school, I decided to take an overdose. Looking back, I don’t think I really wanted to kill myself. It was more that I wanted to escape from the despair of the depression. I started off by taking about a dozen paracetamol tablets since that was what I happened to have in my schoolbag. I don’t really remember the walk home. Then I took about 50 more tablets in total, which were a mixture of my mum’s anti-depressants, and epilepsy tablets. I only remember taking the first two or three and then have a vague memory of telling my mum that I’d taken lots of tablets and that I was sorry.
The next thing I remember is waking up in hospital. That was the turning point for me. After that I was directed to emergency counselling and I started a course of anti-depressants. I was still off school for another few weeks but I managed to get my coursework done and pass my AS exams and the more I opened up in counselling and to my friends and family, the more I felt the weight of the depression lifting.
Throughout the time I was depressed at school I would also have sporadic boughts of anxiety. Anxiety relating to school, my mum’s illness, my family, my friends, what people thought of me, the list goes on… It was very difficult having to come back to school after taking an overdose and trying to catch up with everything I’d missed. Only my closest friends knew the real reason why I’d been absent for so long and I had some really good teachers who were always willing to listen to me but I still felt under constant pressure to succeed. Depression made it difficult for me to concentrate on anything, even simple things like reading or watching TV. This would then spark my anxiety, and I’d convince myself that I was going to fail everything. Thankfully, I didn’t and I was so happy when I found out I’d got a place at the University of Exeter. However, moving away from home to a different country (I’m from N.Ireland) and having to make friends all over again brought new anxieties. This coupled with heavy drinking took a definite toll on my mental health in my first year. Naively I thought I could start afresh and leave my mental health problems behind me but it doesn’t work like that…
Panic Attacks
I remember clearly the moment when I realised I needed extra support at university. I was sitting in a French oral class and I was getting frustrated with myself. Why couldn’t I contribute as well as the others? Why didn’t I understand? I thought I was good at French. My anxious thoughts spiralled out of control. Suddenly I had a pain in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and the walls were caving in on me. I was having a panic attack.
I left the class on the premise of going to the toilet but I didn’t come back. Instead I went to the Wellbeing centre and tearfully told them that I needed some help. From that initial step towards helping myself I was able to get my own individual learning plan, provisions for exams and ongoing counselling and cognitive behaviour therapy which helped me to better understand why I felt the way I did. I also downloaded an app for my phone called “Excel at life for depression and anxiety” which I highly recommend. Panic attacks aren’t something which I get very often now and if I do have them it’s usually due to being in a large crowd or a tight space eg. The last time I had one was on the tube in London on the way to Piccadilly circus.
In general I think my mental health is in pretty good order now. I’m about to finish my degree but there’s no way I could have done it without the help I’ve received from doctors, counsellors, friends and family. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health issue the best advice I can give is to start talking about it. Even if something’s hard to articulate, things like music, art therapy or even going for a walk to clear your head can also really have a positive impact.
Now, take a deep breath, count to three and spread the word that it’s Mental health awareness month.
If you want to learn more about suicide prevention, depression and anxiety please see these sites: