Human beings are naturally competitive. Every day you are locked in constant competition with your neighbours, friends, colleagues. You strive for the best house, the most money, the most achievements academically and socially, the best quality of life. Now, I’m not here to guilt anyone or preach passivity; competition is an essential aspect built into our DNA and culture. However I want to talk about women, how we behave, how we treat each other and most importantly how we compete.
If you’re an obsessive Netflix binger like me you’ve probably sat up late, wrapped in a duvet watching Queer Eye, getting seriously dehydrated because of all the heart-wrenching moments and the shots of Antoni’s face. I mention this because in an episode featuring a woman called Jodie she sat in the middle of a circle of other ladies who spent an hour complimenting each other and discussing self-confidence. I’ll admit my first thought was “oh God this is so cringey, I’m British and compliments are as fun as getting burnt with a poker” but then I thought about this more clearly and realised just how rare this is.
Girls aren’t taught the etiquette of healthy competition like boys are. When you’re young, playing fiercely is called aggression, being a leader is to be bossy, being proud of your achievements is answered with “stop gloating”. In football I’d be yelling “spread out” or “cover defence” (not that I actually knew what these words meant) or after losing a board game I’d be sulking in the extreme (sticking my bottom lip out usually) and would always get some kind of rebuke with the subtext of “it’s not lady like”.
Now, I’m not saying we should be allowed to scream or strop as much as we like, because nothing would ever get done. But by preventing girls from expressing themselves in this free and primal way means aggression and competitive spirit goes underground, turning inwards and often becoming sour.
I went to an all-girls school and there competition was labelled as ‘cattiness’. Everything was said and done behind the scenes – no confrontations or fights, just a current of whispers continually flowing throughout the school. Criticism and belittlement was an everyday part of conversation that I admit I took part in. If a girl was ‘too pretty’, ‘too smart’ or ‘too smiley’ she became ‘vacuous’, ‘up herself’ or ‘fake’ to the masses.
There was, and still is, amongst women a base need to besmirch and disparage. We disguise envy as pity and feel the need to bring down others in order to boost our own confidences. It has been said that this could be due to evolutionary psychology – our need to reproduce the best offspring, or that it’s a result of the lower position women find themselves within the patriarchy. Regardless of the source it doesn’t have to be this way.
What I want to advocate is an end to this persistence of jealousy and hostility towards female success through these simple tips:
• If a friend or acquaintance does better than you academically, give a simple “well done, I’m really pleased for you” and keep in mind that they may be struggling elsewhere.
• If you know someone who you think is ‘too pretty’ think about the fact that they might not see themselves that way at all. Remember to compliment each other – just telling someone you like their hair or their shoes might just make their day and leave them with a warm, glowing feeling in their stomachs.
• Take the time to check up on your girls. Go out for a coffee and ask them how they are and don’t be afraid to get into the deep stuff, nothing is TMI.
• Don’t try to tack your problems into the conversation. Of course you want to share what’s going on with you and talk to someone about your own struggles, but if your friend is sharing something really difficult don’t spend that time thinking about your own response, don’t answer with “I know right” or “same”, just listen and offer help where you can.
• And finally don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, chances are another amazing person has read this article and wants to help too!
I know that women are capable of living and working harmoniously because, although I’ve seen and experienced competitiveness, I’ve also seen amazing moments of camaraderie between women. we just need to consider ourselves more carefully and think about how we can help support each other going forward.