As someone who has fought with anxiety and depression for years, I want to preface this article with the fact that you are not alone. If you are suffering from either or both of these mental disorders, I hope that by reading my story, you are able to see that there are people who are willing to be the support system that you need. By the end of this article, I hope that you will be able to look at yourself and realize that there is nothing wrong with you, and that despite having anxiety or depression, you are not broken. You are a beautiful human being, who deserves the whole world.
It’s okay if you don’t believe me at first, as it took me until college to realize that I was worth more than I thought. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was suffering from these issues, but when I did, I realized that there were ways for me to help myself. For the longest time, like for most people with anxiety, I thought the world was against me, and I found it really difficult to trust people without knowing why. No matter who I was going to talk to, I was overcome with this intense fear. I had no control over my body, and most of the time I would need to excuse myself to the restroom to vomit before doing anything, sometimes even three or four times. This anxiety and inability to trust people made it really difficult for me to talk to anyone, especially because of all the bullying that I endured.
I began feeling depressed fairly quickly, but I didn’t want people around me to know, fearing that they might pick on me even more. Because I was so insecure about myself, I saw my depression and anxiety as flaws. I hated myself for not being “normal”; for not being a functioning human being until I threw up. This only made my depression worse, and if you’re someone who suffers from depression, you know how once it starts, it gets worse almost entirely because of self deprecation…almost.
So, like any person suffering from social anxiety, I started making excuses as to why I couldn’t go to things because I was afraid that if I went to anything, I would have panic attacks in public and lose all my friends. I know, I know, a pretty big leap, but if we know anything about anxiety, it’s that it takes over your logical thoughts completely, and turns them into pretty irrational “what ifs.” Needless to say, when you don’t see your friends outside of school, and you’re too afraid to have conversations with them, you start losing friends really fast. That’s exactly what happened to me.
Unfortunately, my mind wasn’t equipped to handle the loss of a friend, never mind losing so many all at once (save a few, y’all know who you are). My depression almost spiraled out of control at this point, and it got to a point where waking up in the morning became my worst nightmare. At this point, I had very few friends, and struggled to eat. I was losing most of my motivation to live, and frankly, it’s a miracle that the remaining strength I had survived.
I’ve never been the kind of person who talked to many people about what was going on in my head, and in the name of honesty, I’m still not the person who tells everyone everything. I don’t think that will ever be something that I do, but it’s something that I have been working on all this time, and I think that struggle to open up has helped me grow up immensely. But, alas, we aren’t quite there yet, so I’ll hold off on sharing that for now.
I was overcome with anxiety and depression, and essentially felt like my entire life was spiralling out of control. I didn’t know what was happening, or where I was going, I was just being thrown around in a current of insults and pessimism that pushed me further and further away from solid ground. I couldn’t catch my breath; I was drowning, and when you’re drowning, it’s hard to help yourself without the support of someone else to take part of the burden. So that is exactly what I did. I started reaching out for everyone, trying to find anyone who might be able to help keep me afloat (an advisory from current me, if you’re in this situation, try not to do this, past me didn’t understand why relying on other people to be your happiness is a bad thing). For the next few years, I bounced from friend group to friend group, trying to find people who made me feel happy enough to regain my footing each time I felt like I was slipping.
The problem, however, came when I started relying on others too much. Oftentimes they would get fed up with me; toss me to the side because they couldn’t deal with my nerves. They would insult me, and brush it off as a joke, and I let them get away with it. You’re probably thinking why? Talia seems like a pretty stand up person who can stand up for herself, right? And in part you are right, but I convinced myself that I needed them. I needed them to make me feel something other than sad; I needed them to avoid feeling numb.
Don’t get me wrong, I did make genuine connections with everyone I interacted with, whether they were reciprocated or unrequited is up to people other than me. And to this day, I still know that I have a few friends who will always be there for me, no matter how long we go between talking (*shout out to my REAL day ones, you know who you are). However, looking back at it, the genuine and real connections I made were never with the people who I claimed were my “best friends” (with only one exception). It was always with the people who were on the outskirts, those people who I was friends with, but never “best friends” with. It sounds like I valued them less than the people I called my best friends, but really, I think I valued them much more. They weren’t the people who were on the front lines of all my problems, they were the ones who I felt understood me enough to love me as I was, and I think, for a while, I took them for granted (but know that now I am overly thankful for your love and support through the years). It took me too long to realize that they were truly my closest friends, because it didn’t matter how goofy, stupid, outrageous, or crazy I was acting. They loved me and they were my friends.
Anyway, I’m trying to keep this as linear as possible, so jumping back into it, I soon realized that the violent twisting of my stomach when things got rocky wasn’t a bad thing. I know, not where you thought I was going with that, but I swear, it was really empowering the first time this hit me. Sometimes, hearing something from someone who you think loves you unconditionally is all it takes to wake you up, and that is exactly what happened to me. We all know the friends who stand by us until it is inconvenient for them, and realistically, these are the friends we cling to for whatever reason, probably because we have known them the longest out of our friend group. Typically, these people are who we consider to be our “best friend,” even though the people who are supporting us and building us up are not this person. This person is a rock, holding you to the shore until they cut you loose at random and let you float away (and you float and float until you find another rock to tether yourself to; a clearly vicious cycle that is hard to break until you find shallow enough water to stand).
However, when the person you rely on most heavily lets you go, you immediately start drowning, and you feel like no one else can help you. If you suffer from depression or anxiety, you know what I mean. I’m sorry to beat the drowning metaphor to death, but really, there is no better way to describe it. Your lungs feel like they are heavy and filling with water, while your mind searches for a way to catch up to everything that is happening, even though your body is too slow to react from the lack of air.
As someone who was forced to float from rock to rock, I thought I had finally found one that would keep me grounded for the long haul, and for the most part, I was right, until that sneaking feeling came back. I felt anxious, like I had to fit into situations to be good enough for this person. I started feeling self-conscious; like a burden. This person made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything to them anymore, and that I was their back up if other plans didn’t pan out. I was playing left bench in a friendship where they were the MVP, and when I realized that, it woke me up.
When I got cut loose, I’ll admit, it was partially my fault for being overbearing, but ultimately, I am who I am and when I’m worried about something it’s for good reason. I don’t just get anxious for no reason, and as I am in a position now where I can understand my anxiety, I realized this situation had been unhealthy for a long time. Sure, it was a real friendship for me, but I realized in that moment that I was playing second fiddle, and I deserved to play first.
That’s when it happened. I thought I was drowning, and that I couldn’t save myself, but just when my emotions pulled me under, I stood up. I realized I have been floating and trying to find people to support me, but I didn’t need them. My anxiety wasn’t making me do that, but my fear of my anxiety’s power was. I realized that it was those friends who had been standing by me all along that pulled me out of the water and onto land, and I finally felt free. It was absolutely liberating to see what real, lifelong friendship was, and what it could be.
I realize that this article has been almost entirely pessimistic in telling my journey through anxiety and depression, and I don’t want to leave you with that bad taste in your mouth. It hasn’t all been bad, but it took me a long time to come to this realization. Over the years, I have been working to use my anxiety to my advantage. I think that it has helped make me a much better writer and has driven me to succeed in my career. Instead of letting anxiety get the better of me, I have learned (through many, many, failures) that keeping myself busy with things I’m confident in, helps calm me down. Sure I still have panic attacks and need to avoid certain social situations, but for the most part, I’ve got a pretty tight hold on my anxiety, and I can use it to better myself, rather than letting it affect me negatively in most aspects of my life.
In terms of my depression, yes, I do struggle with it more so than the anxiety, but I think that overall, my best advice is accepting that bad things happen. I know that sounds weird, so let me explain. For a long time, I tried to please everyone, and when I couldn’t, it was something that I really took to heart. Since coming to college, I have grown a lot. Some people have told me that I have become selfish, cold, closed-off, etc., and maybe they’re right, but I don’t think it has been a bad thing for me. Maybe some of my relationships have suffered, but instead of putting all my energy into keeping other people happy with my company, I’ve been trying to do the things that make me happy. I had a mental shift during my first semester of college where I realized that this was the very thing that kept pulling me down, and I needed to stop it. I know I made it sound like it happened overnight, but believe me, it is still something I am trying to fully commit to today, however the initial shift was enough to know that this is what I really needed. Through part of this, my process of self-improvement involved cutting out a lot of toxic people from my life, which I was scared to do. I relied heavily on my friends, but I knew that I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet and save myself. Granted, being your own rock can get exhausting, so leaning on your friends for help is fine, but I wasn’t standing on my own at all and without my friends I couldn’t do anything. It was unhealthy, and it was ruining my relationships.
After cutting out a lot of people, I felt weird, and truthfully kind of empty without all the people I used to talk to. But that’s when I saw the people who really mattered start stepping into my life in different, more significant roles. Personally, I feel good, happy, and strong. I feel like I am making something out of a life that I wasn’t happy with for a long time. I know what my goals are. I have a clear head. I am doing better than I ever was. I know I am being proactive and making big steps to my future, and while I don’t resent anyone from my past, I did outgrow them, and that’s okay.
So, I know you are wondering, am I better? The answer is no, but its not that easy. Am I in the same position as I was when my anxiety and depression began? No, but will I always struggle with anxiety and depression? Yes. There is no better, but there is growth. Anxiety and depression are two mental illnesses that cling to people’s insecurities, and it is something that took me years to figure out how to control. I tried to take the easy way out by using friends as my happiness, but that isn’t the case anymore. I’m not telling you that your coping mechanism isn’t sufficient, but I’m attempting to shed light on the idea that you don’t always need the things you think you need to successfully live with anxiety and depression. It is okay to need help, and to not have all the answers in how to cope or live with anxiety and depression, so don’t let anyone tell you that you are broken or damaged or anything along those lines. Sometimes though, it’s good to take a step back and see that the help you need can actually be inside you. I know it’s hard to believe that you have that kind of strength to control your anxiety and depression, but I promise, you do have it in you. Sometimes, you just need a wake up call (I just hope the push you need comes before you get hurt).
I hope that this has helped anyone struggling with their mental health because I know that knowing the stories of other people is a great way to open up. If you want to reach out, feel free to DM me on twitter (handle in author bio) or, send an email over to Emerson@hercampus.com. I’m happy to be there for you if you need someone to talk to, as I hope that others would do the same for me. It’s perfectly okay to admit that you aren’t okay, or that you need help, because there are plenty of people out there who will stand by you and help you. Like I said, you are not broken. You are not a burden. You are beautiful and strong, and there is an army of people waiting to fight for you if you give them the chance.
*Without calling them out by name, because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, I want to send a special thank you to those people who were always on the sidelines; those who I talked to in spurts, but every time we talk, we pick up right where we left off, no matter what changes we have gone through separately. To my oldest friend, who has been by my side since the day he was born, to now, going to college and checking in on each other every once in a while, thank you. To my second oldest friend, who used to always steal half my lunch, but will always be my favorite person to eat lunch with, thank you. To my favorite goofball, and probably my soulmate (we will see after our coffee date), thank you. To the Christina to my Meredith, thank you (for being my person even when I didn’t know you were my person). To my amazing dance partner, I promise I’m never gonna give you up, thank you. To my entrepreneurial future Poe-themed cafe business partner, thank you. To the woman who I’ve spent four semesters in class with (accidently) and who edited this whole piece for me, thank you. To my buddy, my pal, my first outside-the-suite college friend, thank you. And finally, to you all, the people reading this, for supporting me in my journey of self-discovery, and reading all of my articles. I really appreciate all of your support through it all.