Currently, I am on a self-care journey to not be a people pleaser. I recently just got to college and realized how much my people-pleasing tendencies negatively affect me. One important thing I have learned in my two months at college is to always stand up for yourself and validate your feelings; it is also important to not add so much extra stress on yourself. Once people realize they can take advantage of you and your people-pleasing tendencies, it will turn out bad in the long run and you’ll be exhausted. From past experiences, I wish I had said what I wanted to during hard conversations instead of just trying to make the other person happy. These conversations benefit you by not keeping your feelings bottled up, and it helps to communicate your feelings in these conversations. In this article, I am going to list 7 helpful tips to not be a people pleaser.
- Set clear boundaries
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Setting clear boundaries is hard, especially when you just meet someone romantically or platonically; And we can’t forget how hard it is to set boundaries with family members. Being honest and very clear with what you want will set a good boundary, so you don’t ever get uncomfortable in the future. I tend to bottle things up and then just let them spill out when I’ve had my last straw, which I do not recommend doing. It makes you feel bad by spilling everything out that’s been annoying you to the person and then ends up making them feel bad. So, by standing up for yourself right when something bothers you will help set a boundary and not let your negative feelings build up. Sometimes expressing your boundary will disappoint others; recognize you will have to accept this if you are trying to break from people-pleasing tendencies. Also, if you are not good at expressing your emotions or sitting with negative feelings, talk to someone! Personally, having a therapist helps so much to relieve that stress from my brain.
- be secure in yourself and what you BELIEVE in
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This has always been a struggle for me and something I still struggle with especially if you are a people pleaser. If you are trying to agree with absolutely everyone or just have the same opinions as everyone, you are going to feel lost as a person. You are your own person and are allowed to have your own opinions/ thoughts. I know that I started getting better at expressing what I believe in after I started educating myself more in school and gaining more life experience. Obviously, it is nice having the same opinions as the people you are close to but remember to be yourself and not feel pressured to agree with everyone to make them happy.
- Listen to your inner voice
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This is one of the most important pieces of advice for any situation you are in. I know that I tend to push down my inner voice and cover it with my people-pleasing tendencies. This can go hand-in-hand with being secure in yourself and what you believe in. Listen to that inner voice and speak your mind so you don’t feel invisible. You have to pinpoint that healthy inner voice because sometimes it’s hard to differentiate it from thoughts of anxiety and overthinking in general. I struggle with anxiety so I must calm myself down and validate my feelings that you can’t be a people pleaser 24/7.
- you can’t make everyone happy
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The hard truth that every people pleaser needs to hear is, “You can’t make everyone happy.” Remembering to protect your peace is so important. Trying to make everyone else happy will not help you maintain a good state of mind, you will eventually become exhausted trying to make everyone else content. It is difficult to break this pattern of trying to please everyone, but it will be so beneficial to you in the long run. Make sure to invest in self-love and think “What can I do that’s best for me?”
- communicate and be confident
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Communication is key! This is something I have to constantly tell myself because people can’t just read my mind, unfortunately. From past experiences, when I communicate things turn out better for me and the other party, but when I don’t, I start to overthink. If you don’t know what to say, just think about it and then ask to talk to the person. If you need to, ask a friend, family member or even a therapist to help! Be confident in what you say as well so there is no room for people to walk over you! I know you might want to be passive or nice with what you say, which it is always great to be nice but, having confidence and security in what you’re communicating will help you get your point across while setting a healthy boundary. You got this!
- Recognize you are going to have uncomfortable conversations
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I don’t know about you but as a people pleaser, the thought of having a hard conversation makes me so anxious. If you don’t have these uncomfortable situations it will lead to a lot of miscommunication and resentment. Just know that having that conversation with good communication will result in both parties knowing the exact needs that need to be met, things that make you uncomfortable, etc. Speak your truth and be confident in what you’re saying, it will feel liberating! Remember to have self-compassion during these conversations and validate your feelings in case you start to overthink or believe what you’re saying is crazy or isn’t right.
- Give yourself time
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Be patient with yourself, I know it is hard but remember to give yourself time. You can’t just flip a switch and suddenly not be a people pleaser, it takes time and patience. Remember to always be yourself and give yourself grace if you start to slip back into that people-pleasing mindset. You’re an amazing person, don’t ever forget that, and good luck on this journey!
