Disclaimer: No matter how much I act as a therapist for my friends, I am not one and all my advice should be taken with a grain (or two) of salt.
“Kat hated herself. But the problem with hating yourself is you can’t really talk about it. Because at some point recently, the whole world joined a self-help cult and won’t shut the fuck up about it.”
This quote comes from a brilliant scene in episode two of season two of “Euphoria”, in which Barbie Ferreira’s Kat fights with figments of her imagination imploring her to love herself, completely disregarding just how difficult that can be. This perfectly encapsulates toxic positivity.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity ignores any negative emotions. No doubts, self-deprecation, anxiety, frustration, stress, or sadness. It’s what would happen if “good vibes only” stickers had a baby with Instagram influencers. I know that statement sounds disturbing and unnatural, but toxic positivity is just that.
Why Is It Bad?
Unlike optimism, which simply encourages hope and confidence, toxic positivity insists on those things and more. It’s telling yourself, “I love myself,” when you know very well that you don’t. Yes, an excess of negativity is unhealthy, but emotional lows are a normal part of life. It’s not a bad thing to feel sad here and there* or to not love the way you look in the mirror.
Whether or not you choose to acknowledge it, you will experience discontentment. Refusing to address it does not make it disappear, but rather it causes that unhappiness to fester. If you cannot address that you struggle with loving yourself, how can you improve? The first step in making progress is acknowledging what needs guidance. Toxic positivity does not allow for this, so it prevents you from getting better.
Toxic positivity also causes problems when it seeps into our interactions with friends and loved ones. When someone who trusts us expresses their emotional struggles, it’s natural to want to comfort them and guide them towards a positive perception of their circumstance. However, responding to their genuine sadness, anger, etc. with sayings like, “just be positive,” or, “everything happens for a reason,” comes off as dismissive, and essentially a less shocking way to tell their reasonable emotions to shut up. Sometimes our friends are simply seeking confirmation that the discontent they are feeling is valid, and, in most cases, it is.
How To Decrease Its Presence In Our Lives:
It’s difficult to entirely avoid toxic positivity, but we can mitigate its presence in our lives. This phenomenon dominates social media, especially in the realm of influencers. Therefore, it might be helpful to analyze who you follow and what you like. If you follow a model who constantly posts photos of their body that make you feel poorly about yours, it may be a good idea to unfollow them. The same thing applies to anyone perpetuating harmful or unattainable realities. Basically, if it makes you feel poorly about your life and shames you for feeling completely valid emotions, it’s time to say goodbye.
Another way to limit toxic positivity’s influence in your life is to opt for neutrality. Neutrality is way more attainable than positivity. For example, if you’re trying to work with the way you perceive your body, aim to not think about your appearance, or work on decreasing the number of deprecating thoughts you have. The distance between loathing and acceptance is too great to cover in a short amount of time. Therefore, small steps aimed at decreasing self-deprecation, rather than forcing love where there isn’t any (at least at the moment), will prove more fruitful.
You can also try substituting less problematic mantras for sayings that reinforce toxic positivity. Replace, “good will come from this,” with, “I am curious about how I will grow/learn from this”. There are many more solutions out there and it may take some experimenting to find what suits you.
Bad feelings-as valid as any others-come and go. Everyone should radiate more positivity, just not at the expense of their mental health. All aspects of life require balance and our emotions are no exception.
More Resources:
- A trusted mental health professional.
- This amazing episode of Jameela Jamil’s podcast.
- This article, which provides a little more info.
- Yourself! Take some time to think about what toxic positivity is to you.
*Clarification: these occasional moments of discontent are different from consistent and pervasive negativity.