Shoutout to my boyfriend for title inspiration
I was a competitive dancer for about 15 years, and the majority of my childhood, or at least the majority of my memories, were spent between dance classes, competitions, and time spent with my friends from dance. I retired from competition the summer after I graduated from high school, so I have been removed from the competitive sphere for just over two years, which seems like a short amount of time, but when my entire life leading up to this point revolved around dance, it has absolutely felt like a lifetime.
I stopped competitive dance for several reasons. For one, I was fearful that with starting a new chapter in my life, my freshman year at CU, I would not have enough time to train at the level necessary for competition, which is likely entirely true. For another, many places on my body would ache and ache after practices, and when I realized some of my injuries were chronic, I determined it would be best to take a step back for the sake of my physicality.
However, one of the largest reasons I decided to take a step back from competition was burnout. I was not receiving necessarily good scores at competitions, and attending practices became more of a burden than the relief it used to be. It became incredibly straining on my mental and physical health. But, with the assessment after some time away from competing, stepping back has been largely beneficial for both my mind and body.
Don’t get me wrong, I have not entirely removed myself from the world of dance. Since retiring from competition, I still teach one or two beginner classes a week as a part of my preparation for my teacher’s certification exam, and I still try to attend one class for myself. I found that the most effective way to stay involved was to reduce my dance life to a level that remained beneficial for my mind and body, without pushing myself past a boundary that would shift me back into a negative relationship with it.
Another way that I have worked towards healing this relationship was branching out into different forms of dance. This semester, I am so grateful to say that I can take a one-credit, intro-level ballet class through CU!
Going into this fall semester, I was incredibly nervous about this class, as I was going in almost entirely blind after not being in a ballet class for 10+ years. I was anxious about what would be expected of me, what the instructor would be like, and who I would be sharing the floor with. But most of all, I was nervous that this class would dig up past traumas and grievances with dance, tearing down the healing and improvement I had done with my dance relationship over the course of the last two years. However, a short few weeks into the class, my fears subsided, and I was proven entirely wrong.
Instead of dreading attending these classes, I find myself looking forward to them every week. Exercise endorphins have always been my drug of choice, and when competitive dance training stopped providing that dopamine boost that I craved, I found myself just as unhappy as I was when I forced myself to be in the studio consistently, despite my weakening relationship with dance. I tried going to the gym, but never found myself particularly consistently motivated or available to go as often as necessary. However, this ballet class has provided me with an outlet built into my weekly routine, and, attendance policy aside, I very much look forward to my time in the studio now.
Consistently dancing in a non-competitive environment has shown me that not everything is necessarily about bettering yourself for the sake of receiving higher scores or proving your worth to an instructor or other peers. I find that during my time in the studio, rather than stressing about whether I’m improving enough, I can actually internalize how my body feels when I’m moving it, and how my mind feels when I’m challenging it with both familiar and unfamiliar material. At the end of the day, dance is as much of a mental exercise as it is a physical exercise. Through this class, I’ve been able to embrace these mental gains without the shadow of my anxieties and self-consciousness in the back of my mind.
On another level, I’ve also been able to utilize this class as a break in my week from the pressure of my academics. As much as I’d like to say I don’t, I tend to put the same amount of pressure on myself in my schooling as I previously did in my dancing, and that is an issue to be addressed separately. But with my hopes for building my future of graduating with a difficult degree and high GPA, preparing myself for the LSAT in order to attend law school, my academic stakes remain high.
Overall, I’m noticing that the benefits of this ballet class go far beyond another credit towards my degree. I’m able to have a consistent exercise outlet, and though it may not be hardcore weight training or intense cardio, I’m able to heal from my prior injuries and exercise my body and mind in an incredibly beneficial way, something I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to do. I’m also able to give my mind space from my challenging academic life, which never fails to stress me out. Lastly, I’ve been able to heal my relationship with dance in a way I never imagined. While I would be a liar if I claimed I don’t miss competitive dance to a degree, taking a step back and realigning my efforts in a new way has filled the space that competitive dance hollowed out of me to begin with.