Finding out I had depression came out in the worst of moments. During the fall semester of my junior year, I was involuntarily hospitalized because I did not want to live anymore. I was over life and was set on making sure I didn’t wake up when I went back to my room. Calling the suicide hotline didn’t help, and I just couldn’t see my way out of death’s path. Earlier that year I had lost my cousin Daimon to suicide, which happened right before my spring semester of sophomore year. Seeing him a week before he completed made matters worse because my last words to him were “Take care of yourself, I love you” and he replied “I will, I love you too.” His suicide, believe it or not, made me realize I had inner demons I had to deal with and take care of. My hospitalization at Palmetto Lowcountry Behavioral Health in North Charleston was at first scary. I guess television made it seem like there was going to be a bunch of crazy people running around in straight jackets screaming absurd things. It was nothing like that whatsoever and the people in my unit were actually pretty cool. The food was actually good. When I was there, the registered nurses helped us all find different coping skills, and I wanted to share my own versions with you all:
Dancing
I know we’ve all had moments where we’ve had small dancing parties in our room, hoping no one was secretly recording us. When I got hospitalized, everything I owned was taken away from me. So for a week, all my favorite songs were not listened to and when I got out, I had never turned my phone on so fast. When I got back to my room on the day I was released, I had an ultimate dance party. I danced to Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, etc. I had the best time by myself. I laughed for the first time in two weeks. Now I find time to dance stupidly at least once a week and it is honestly so liberating.
Self appreciation
Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself. Ignore the stain on your shirt from lunch earlier that day, and really look at yourself. Appreciate that you are beautiful. Tell yourself that you’re a queen, and nobody can take that away from you. Embrace your “flaws” as your perfections. I do this every day because for half of my life, I used to get up and tell myself I was ugly because a bully from junior high reminded me for two years straight that I was unattractive. He was wrong, and I realized that way too late. I’m a queen and so are you.
Eating
Okay so I know compulsive eating or not eating at all is a symptom of depression. However, eating moderately and controlling it helps. Currently I’m underweight and tend not to eat like I’m supposed to (hello depression) but eating is one of my favorite things because I also have a metabolism with the speed of Sonic. Eating what you want and binge watching shows on Netflix is pretty fun and makes you forget about your chemical imbalance.
Friends
There was a phone at the facility, and before I had gone, I notified all my friends I was close to what was going on. I forgot about my roommates though. My roommates thought something was wrong because they hadn’t heard from or seen me in a day. Hannah, one of my roommates from sophomore year, told me that she and my two other roommates literally wouldn’t stop questioning our RA. They kept calling around to see if they could bust into my room because they didn’t know if I was even alive. I wasn’t answering my phone either, so at that point they were ready to become private investigators to find me. That made me feel amazing to know that they actually cared for me enough to realize I was missing and then to go ahead and start questioning people who couldn’t disclose that information made my heart melt. So next to my best friends, shout out to Hannah Essick, Jalen Romito and Julia Robinson. Much love to you girls ♥
It’s important to pay attention to the signs of depression. Whether you’re diagnosed or not, whatever you’re feeling should not be downplayed. If I could save the lives of not only my cousin but everyone else who didn’t value their life enough to live on this Earth anymore, I would give up my life to do so. If you feel like you’re getting to that point, let someone know. If I hadn’t seen my friend Jazmine (shout out to her also, she’s literally my guardian angel ♥) on the way to complete, I would not be writing this right now. If you need someone to talk to or if you’re having a moment, get in contact with me. I can be a shoulder to lean on, we can hang out and watch Netflix, anything. Just know someone is here for you, even though you may not think so.