My entire life, I have used comedy as a defense mechanism to mask my anxiety and depression. Since I was a child, I have desperately tried to personify as a loud, outgoing, and funny individual. Sometimes, I really am happy, but more often than people have ever realized, I have felt destroyed inside, just never shown it.
In Girl Scouts in Elementary and Middle School, I remember I constantly tried to make people laugh, and it often got me in trouble because I was “disruptive” (looking back, I totally was). But inside, my brain was spinning at 1000 miles per minute, and I felt like I was drowning in sadness. Going to school and socializing has always been an internal struggle for me, yet I always hid my fears by cracking jokes and acting bubbly. I clearly remember at a girl scout meeting in about 3rd grade, I did not have the energy to be funny and outgoing. I sat quietly in my seat and just chilled out. Within minutes, all of my friends were saying “What’s wrong, Caitlin?” “Why aren’t you being funny?” and “We miss the funny Caitlin”. This was pure hell to my ears. People had gotten so used to the “Funny Caitlin”, that I realized I have dug too deep of a hole, and people most likely not accept the real me. This fear put me into a constant cycle of trying to be the funny girl in order to make and keep friends. I literally have exhausted myself day in and day out my entire life because of the fear of rejectment of my true, anxious and depressed self. Damn, that’s pretty sh***y, isn’t it?
At my former dance studio, I got in trouble more times than I can physically count because of my non stop talking and constant disruptions. Looking back, it would have been smarter to just shut up and stop trying to please everyone through my comedy, because it’s better than constantly getting in trouble, yet I was already so deep in the persona that if I would have all of a sudden dropped the personality and was mellow, I would have once again been questioned by my fears all over again, except now as a teenager.
Since being in college, I have learned that people will accept me no matter who I am. I don’t always have to keep the comedian persona up. If any of you feel trapped in your head, talk to someone. Be yourself. Love yourself. Don’t be afraid to show your true self to others. Anyways, thanks readers for letting me vent my emotions to you. I love free therapy. And if any of my childhood/teenage friends are reading this, I promise I wasn’t always putting up a front, I just didn’t know how to be my genuine self.
HCXO,
Caitlin Murphy